"My Boyfriend’s Ex-wife Controls Him" - Navigating a Complex Situation

In F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Monica once said to Chandler, “…we work hard at our relationship.” This is the ultimate truth when it comes to serious relationships. A marriage is a pretty serious one. A marriage is often a calculated decision made by adults who intend to stay together forever. People work hard to stay together. They put that extra effort into making the marriage work.

A divorce takes place when a lot of things do not work out as they originally intended to. A broken marriage leaves its residue in the lives of the partners who once vowed to be together. The involvement of your boyfriend’s ex-wife in his life is one such residual anomaly that can’t be done away with easily.

Her influence will stay in his life for a long time, even if you are not comfortable with it. They shared a life. They shared finance. They shared property. Things can get even more complicated if they have kids. Kids bind them together in a problematic relationship called co-parenting after the divorce. In a way, they keep them together for the rest of their lives.

You might find his ex-wife controlling certain aspects of his life, and you will probably be able to do nothing significant about it. The law binds them in weird ways. In this blog post, we will peek into the bleak world of broken marriages and controlling ex-wives.

Let’s begin.

Why is she still in his life and controlling him?

A relationship ends with a breakup. Breakups hurt, but one can deal with them in a private space. You can get over a breakup by locking yourself up in a room for a few days.

When a marriage breaks apart, things take a legal turn. People move to court to settle issues, and things can turn pretty ugly there. Even then, many issues are not really resolved.

There are many reasons why ex-spouses stay in touch. Your boyfriend’s ex-wife, too, must have her reasons. It is our job to give you a list of situations that make exes stay in touch. Your job, on the other hand, is to observe and find out which one of the following suits your situation the best.

Keep scrolling to go through the list.

#1 They co-parent their children

Co-parenting is a difficult necessity. It attempts to bind a broken relationship with the invisible duct tape of parental love. Their shared love for their children keeps bringing them together.

Not all divorces are amicable. Some people part ways by fighting, yelling, and throwing things at each other. That is not a pleasant memory. The broken pair do not trust each other. They do not deem each other to be good parents. That is where the problem occurs.

The situation you are facing, where you find your boyfriend’s ex-wife controlling him, could arise from the aforementioned fiasco. She seems controlling because, in this co-parenting scenario, she finds your boyfriend (her ex-husband) to be an unfit father to their children.

This happens when, as a father, he receives the right to keep their kids for some days in a given month. On those days, they are supposed to be his responsibility. His ex-wife does not seem to think so.

The controlling part comes when she constantly drops in or calls and disturbs your privacy at your boyfriend’s place. She wants to check on their children, who are supposed to be under his care for the day or the weekend.

Your presence makes things even more complicated. You may like hanging out with the kids, but she does not agree with the idea of them meeting you. To her, you are not a nice person. This can happen, especially if you are the reason for their split.

#2 She is financially dependent on your boyfriend

Financial dependence after divorce is common. Your boyfriend’s ex-wife is financially dependent on him. She controls him to stay relevant in his life. Now, this is more complicated than you think.

So, the court has decided that your boyfriend is going to pay alimony to his ex-wife. She will take it, but that probably does not make her feel good about herself or the situation. She does not feel good around you, either.

The act of controlling her ex-husband comes from there. She does it to assert her power over him. She does it to make herself look like an unmissable part of his life. She does not want to be just another silent ex-wife who takes money from her husband.

The way she feels is a result of the complicated workings of the human mind. You probably can’t do anything to help the situation. Let her deal with it in her own way. She will probably take some time to come to terms with the new reality.

#3 She is not being able to let go

Letting go of a relationship is difficult, especially if it is a serious one like a marriage. Remember how difficult it was for Ross to let go of his ex-wife Carol in the first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S? Your boyfriend’s ex-wife tends to control him because she just can’t let go of him. That’s because:

• She still loves him – Most marriages take place because two people who are in love decide to spend the rest of their lives together. The word “love” is important here. Your boyfriend's ex-wife can’t let go of him because she is still in love. The divorce may have changed her marital status, but her heart remains unchanged. Watching you with him enrages and saddens her at the same time. That is why she keeps coming back into his life, and to you, it looks like she is trying to control him. It’s nobody’s fault. Everyone is the victim of the situation here.

• They had no closure – Closure is important, especially when a relationship is ending. A drunk Rachel in the second season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S called up Ross while on a date with another man to famously say: “So, obviously I am over you, and that’s my friend, is what they call a closure!” At that point, she desperately needed a way to let go of Ross. She wanted a means to stop thinking about him. That is exactly what your boyfriend’s ex-wife wants. She has not had anything to forcefully make her stop thinking about her ex-husband. She still gets into his life unwillingly and tries to control him like she once did when they were married. She just needs that one thing that will finally make her realize it's over.

• She is not able to fathom change – Some people do not take change well. Sheldon, in the series finale of The Big Bang Theory, started acting out when a lot of constants changed after he won the Nobel Prize with his wife, Amy. Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S freaked out when things started to change in the last season. Similarly, your boyfriend’s ex-wife is freaking out because things are changing. Divorce is a pretty big change. She seems to control her ex-husband because she is trying to hold on to her past. She knows her marriage is over. Acting accordingly is the logically correct thing to do. As I have said earlier, the human mind works in mysterious ways; her mind is not letting her fathom this change.

#4 They have unresolved property issues

Married people often share property. Together, they own lands and houses or money in any form. Divorce makes these things extremely complicated. Dividing property is a huge task, and it often brings bitterness to the already bitter, broken marriage.

Your boyfriend’s ex-wife, who shares property with him, seems to control him because she does not trust him with the equal division of said property. Your presence in his life makes things even more complicated as she has found a reason to believe that he will waste their shared money or property on you.

The fact that you exist in his life makes him less trustworthy in her eyes. To be honest, half the property shared by them has probably been acquired by her. She has every right to legally claim it back. She controls him so that he does not end up losing it on you, as that might make things complicated for them.

She just wants a hassle-free division of the property. She has no intention other than scrutinizing her ex-husband. You would probably have done the same thing if you were in her place.

#5 She has emotional issues

Your boyfriend’s ex-wife has unresolved emotional issues and insecurities. During the course of their marriage, she has depended on him emotionally. She still does, and that is the reason why she is still in his life.

She constantly needs his help to deal with her problems. She needs reassurance to make her feel less insecure. She is an overtly emotional person with a fragile mind. Things affect her easily. That is why your boyfriend is probably still friends with his ex-wife.

Your existence in her ex-husband’s life triggers her insecurities. She probably thinks you are taking him away from her. This can aggravate if it really was you who broke them apart. Displaying her influence over him is her way of showing that she will never be forgotten. Her constant presence in his life makes it look like she is controlling him.

He thinks it is his duty to help her deal with her issues until she finds someone to replace him. That is a sweet gesture, but if they decide to reconcile, it leaves you estranged.

#6 She is pregnant with his child

Your boyfriend’s ex-wife is still in his life and controlling him because she is going to be the mother of his child. He is supposed to be involved in the process. That is only normal. In F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Ross, too, was actively involved in the pregnancy of his ex-wife Carol, even though they divorced on a pretty bitter note.

She is pregnant, and pregnancy comes with a bout of mood swings and hormonal changes. That can make a person act differently than usual. Her controlling behavior is probably a result of that. She wants that child's father to take up all the usual responsibilities despite their marital status. It is not much to ask for.

A pregnant woman needs constant love and care from her loved ones. She probably has no one other than her ex-husband to take care of her. As the father of the unborn child, it is your boyfriend’s duty to look after them.

#7 She is still in touch with his family

Marriage is often not just about two people. Families, too, get involved in marriages. Many people get along well with their in-laws, and those relationships go beyond the idea of marriage.

For example, the loving relationship between a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law may have started with the marriage, but it is nurtured by them only.

Therefore, a broken marriage does not assure that someone’s ex-spouse will stop talking or hanging out with the in-laws. That connection goes beyond legal documents.

Your boyfriend’s ex-wife shares a unique friendship with her in-laws (that is, his family). They still love her despite the fact that she has divorced their son. She is an important part of their lives. You or your boyfriend can have nothing to do with that.

Her cordial relationship with your boyfriend’s family makes her stay relevant in his life even after the split. They meet on holidays and family occasions. She has an unsaid influence over him in the presence of his family. His family will probably love her more than you even though you get married to him. That is a reality you will probably have to accept and live with.

What makes your boyfriend’s ex-wife want to control him?

The intention to control a person comes from an inherent sense of entitlement. Your boyfriend’s ex-wife still seems to believe that she is an important person in his life. She probably self-prioritizes herself in situations that may have nothing to do with her.

Yes, she could be his ex-wife, but that does not mean she will be an important part of his life forever. She fails to understand that. She does not seem to recognize the fact that her ex-husband, your boyfriend, has the right to move on with his life.

In this section, you will find what brings in that controlling behavior. You will get an idea about things that make her believe she still owns your boyfriend.

Read on.

#1 She has a dominating personality

She used to dominate him during their marriage, and she dominates him still. At least, that is what she thinks. Your boyfriend’s ex-wife controls him because he has a dominating personality. Only your boyfriend is to blame here.

Every person on this planet has a unique personality. His ex-wife’s personality is what defines her. She can’t just change it with the snap of a finger. You should question your boyfriend. Why would he let her dominate him?

Well, that was okay when they were married. But why now? They have divorced, and he is with you now. Is he really supposed to be in her control? If that is the case, what is your position in this relationship? These are a few questions that you should present before him.

#2 She thinks she is right all the time

She controls him because she thinks she is always right. Their marriage was probably the one where she found him to be at fault all the time. She thinks she is perfect and everyone around her is good for nothing.

This sense of entitlement brings in the controlling behavior. Your boyfriend and his ex-wife are divorced, but that does not stop her from chiding him about every little thing. She still thinks he is lost without her, and she needs to plan every step of his life for him.

According to her, you, too, probably are one of his mistakes. She tends to manipulate him. The worst part is that he gets manipulated. He is easily influenced by her words. Look out for things she might say to instigate him against you. She might try to meddle in your relationship.

#3 She just wants to mess with his life

Your boyfriend’s ex-wife is pure evil. She is the epitome of toxicity. She can go to any length to assert her control over his life. She derives happiness from messing with his life.

Charles Boyle’s ex-wife from Brooklyn Nine-Nine is an apt comparison for her. Boyle’s wife showed her evil side when she took ownership of his only way of having kids ─ the frozen sperm kept at the sperm bank. She destroyed them just to watch his life go into a state of mayhem. Most importantly, she had him under her control.

Your boyfriend’s ex-wife exerts similar control over him. Instead of the situation mentioned above, she may know a bunch of his deep, dark secrets. Married people often share their deepest secrets with each other with the belief that they are safe with their loved ones. 

She controls him by blackmailing him. She misuses the fact that he trusted her with his secrets. She is simply messing with his life and making it a living hell for him. He can probably do the same to her to teach her a lesson.

She probably does not want him to date you or any other person either. Your presence in his life reduces her importance in it. That would mean her losing control over him. She will do whatever she can to stop that from happening. The fact that you are here reading this article on controlling ex-wives proves that she is in your head. She is messing with your mind as well.

Here’s what she can do if the situation is kept unchecked

We have seen controlling ex-spouses in movies and on TV. They are far from pleasant. They are toxic, and they can ruin people’s mental health if given a chance. Such behavior should not be left unchecked.

Things can escalate to colossal proportions if your boyfriend’s ex-wife is allowed to meddle in his life. Things can turn ugly for him and for you, too. If left unchecked, she will definitely think she is important, and that might be the end of your relationship with her ex-husband.

Well, go through the following list to know what she can do if the situation is kept unchecked.

#1 She can turn the world against you

She can (and probably will) turn the world against you by spreading false information about you. She will give out disparaging remarks about your relationship with her ex-husband. Here is how she may do it:

• Your boyfriend – She might try to poison his mind with negative thoughts about you. Her controlling nature can make him question his relationship with you. She will make him think you are not the right choice. She just wants him to be on standby for her forever.

• His family – As discussed earlier, she probably has more control over your boyfriend’s family than you do. They love and admire her, and she will take advantage of that to plot against you. As you read this article, she is probably saying mean things about you to them.

• His kids – Kids are the easiest to mold, and your boyfriend’s ex-wife is literally their mother. She can make them detest you if she wants, and that is what she will probably do to ruin things for you. The kids are an important part of your boyfriend's life. He loves them more than anything (just like any other dad). He will think twice about this relationship if they resent you. He might even cut ties with you to make them happy. In a way, she will use them as pawns.

#2 She might try to sabotage your relationship

She does not like your presence in her ex-husband’s life. Whatever the reason may be, she wants you out. Her controlling nature is worse enough. If left unchecked, she will probably succeed in sabotaging your relationship by creating misunderstandings and eventually driving you out.

• She can interfere – She will interfere in the relationship by projecting herself into it. She will try to undermine your authority as his girlfriend. She wants to be the most important person in his life even after the divorce, and you are stopping her from attaining that. Controlling him will give her an opportunity to demean you in front of your boyfriend. Her unresolved feelings for him are responsible for this.

• She can meddle – She may be over him, but that does not stop her from meddling with this relationship. She wants you guys to suffer, and what’s better than meddling to attain that? She will create intentional disturbances in your relationship just to sabotage it. She will create misunderstandings between you and your boyfriend if she is allowed to control him any further.

• She can try taking him away from you – She will do all that to take him away from you. There are two reasons for that. According to the first one, she wants to keep him for herself. She still loves him and thinks that divorcing him is a mistake. She wants to reconcile with her lost love, and for that, sabotaging your relationship is a necessity. According to the second one, she wants to take him away from you because she does not want him to be happy. You are his happiness now. Driving you two apart will only help her cause. She is unhappy with the divorce; therefore, she does not want him to be happy either.

Here is what you can do

He is your boyfriend. You are supposed to be an important part of his life. His ex-wife is clearly his past. She has no right to control him. These are things that you will have to work with in a situation like this.

Proper communication is key if you want to stay in a relationship with this guy. Tell him what you like and what you do not. Reiterate your importance in his life. Make your boyfriend and his ex-wife realize your position in this weird relationship dynamic.

The rest is here for you to read. Scroll down.

• You need to gather enough evidence that proves your boyfriend’s ex-wife has been trying to control him. Look for explicit conversations and record them as proof. You will probably need them to deal with her later.

• You can get the children to like you. Now, this is the most difficult thing to accomplish. They are her children, and she will probably mold them against you. Children are impressionable, so you will need to find a way into their hearts with friendly behavior and affection. However, do not bribe them with too many gifts (some would do no harm). The objective is not to spoil them for your own benefit. After all, they are your boyfriend’s kids.

• You can talk to your boyfriend about his secrets. Ask him about the deepest and darkest ones ─ the ones he had shared with his ex-wife. Ask him not to be scared of her. Assure him that you will not judge him for any of that (and mean it). Tell him that sharing will make him lose some of the stress. She wants to ruin his life by spilling his secrets to you; she can’t ruin anything if you already know them.

• Even though his friends and family are still in contact with her, you should approach them and tell them what is going on. The evidence from the first point in this section will come in handy here. You also seek support from your family and friends. Show them how she has been trying to sabotage your relationship.

• Sit for a conversation with your boyfriend’s ex-wife. Your boyfriend can also be there. You can even do it in the presence of his family. Ask her why she is trying to ruin your relationship. Ask her whether she still harbors feelings for her ex-husband. However, try not to be too offensive. Listen to what she has to say and then decide what to do next. She might have a few valid pointers about him that might help you in this relationship. Make sure the conversation is meaningful.

• You need to set clear boundaries for her. Tell her that her relationship with your boyfriend is over. Assert your presence in his life and make her realize that clearly. You can remind her of her legal rights, which do not include controlling the life of her ex-husband after the divorce. Tell her he is your boyfriend now, and she has no right to interfere in your relationship.

• Tell her she is not the only person with the capability of meddling in people’s lives. Use the “tit for tat” approach here. Threaten to meddle with her life if she interferes in yours. She uses her kids as pawns in her twisted little games. You can warn her by saying that you will do the same by turning her kids against her. Tell her that you have enough evidence to make her look like the bad person in your story and that she should leave you alone with your boyfriend if she wants to keep her reputation.

• If you find her emotionally vulnerable, ask her to seek help. You can even attempt to befriend her and help her get an appointment with a therapist. Tell her that trying to control her divorced spouse is futile. He is not in love with her anymore. Being involved in his life like this will only hurt her more. Be compassionate while you deal with a person with such a fragile emotional state.

• Lastly, ask yourself one thing. Is this really worth it? You are getting entwined in a weird relationship with your boyfriend and his ex-wife. This is bad for your mental health as it will only add to your stress. I would recommend that you rethink this relationship. Get out of it if it feels like too much work. You can put that effort into your own betterment.

Tips and life hacks

A few points to be noted:

• If kept unchecked, she can attempt to isolate your boyfriend from the world. She will try to break him down into a ghost version of himself, and she will keep the pieces for herself.

• Your boyfriend’s ex-wife will probably start using things as pawns to assert her control over him. She will use their children as pawns. She will use shared property and secrets for the same. These are vile and unethical things to do, but that is what inherently evil people do to mess with other people’s lives.

• Ask your boyfriend to be firm with his words. He should act such that she does not get the opportunity to think about controlling his life.

• Never speak ill about her to your boyfriend. Show that you are not like her. Let your boyfriend realize who is better. He is a keeper if he does. If he fails to understand, you will know what to do better than me.