My Boyfriend Is Always on His Phone: Am I the Only One?

In our precious lives, love is a constant, and we fall in love with people without prior knowledge. It's strange that we are not familiar with our own selves until love takes us on this whole new journey. 

But staying in love entails far more intricacies. It tests our emotional aplomb and stoicism. We love, we grow, we fall, and we learn. This is an endless process that demands extraordinary devotion and readiness to move on despite the contrasting forces of positive and negative emotions.

Relationships are built out of two people in love and their willingness to compromise, to relentlessly hold on to each other even after they are not perfect as lovers. Love teaches them to complement the imperfections, the quirks, and the insanity of each other by virtue of sheer affection.

As partners, everybody wants the undivided attention of their mates. In a way, it ensures their priorities in their respective partner's life. And when we fail to receive that, doubts, insecurities, fears, and pain crawl into us in unexpected ways.

Therefore, if it happens to you, no wonder you will feel hurt and anxious about your partner's intentions. But as I said a few lines back, herein lies your poise and deliberation for a metamorphosis, which will establish your potential to bounce back and earn happiness.

Spending hours on the phone has been one of the modern-day vices that widen the communication gaps in relationships. 

Many of us are braving the same storm as you do. So let me tell you, your relationship has not yet reached its last leg until you get a crystal clear view of its foreground and background. 

If you are looking for the answers, this article may be the missing piece of the puzzle. Come, read, and see how.

Weighing in on the thread

As I walk past people, I see couples move around with their eyes glued to the screen of their smartphones. They talk less and scroll more. Yet, one of them will complain later that their partners are spending more time with their mobile phones.

I find no words to frame my fog of confusion when I am confronted with this repeated series of questions by ladies who are concerned about their boyfriends who are almost always on their phones. 

I firmly believe that a specific action increases in degree if it is reinforced by other stimulation or is not nipped in the bud. So, if you see your boyfriend is much more into giving his time to his cell phone, it must have been heightened by combined factors of both of your reactions.

Didn't get my point?

Look, you have to admit that you, too, have a definite role to play in encouraging his recent dependence on his smartphone, because, at times, you also cannot take your mind off the smart gadgets. This, in turn, silently approves of his attachment to these 'electronic distractions', and he carries on with it for some more time.

I won't deny the fact that smartphones are crucial these days in terms of building social connections and professional kinship with our potential clients. But things start to fall apart when we overdo something and forget that our personal life is being affected.

That's what you have to remember, and remind him of. And that's exactly what this particular blog post will put under the microscope.

In the coming sections, I will spark an in-depth insight on 

• To identify the pulling forces
• What is bothering you
• Things to highlight along
• How to steer him the right way

Here we go.

To identify the pulling forces

Seeing your partner busy with his phone can make you lose your mind. You have dated each other with the notion that you will be enduringly fond of the loving company that lovers share happily. The truth, however, seems to differ from your expectations.

With utter dismay, you receive a completely frustrating reaction from your boyfriend, who has found joy in his mobile phone. You are unsure of where you stand in his life and his dedication toward you.

Yet, I would like to say there is hope. A long history might have preceded his present act of investing hours in his phone screen, and you have to know them with a logical eye to form your final judgment.

Can you spare a while to see what they are and how they function?

#1 His business is keeping him hooked on the phone

Our present-day work scenario is a far cry from what it used to be a few decades ago. Earlier, people shared close bonds thanks to the absence of digital preoccupations and had a private life that was devoid of technological intervention.

But today's world is different. The demanding work culture has unfortunately entered our bedroom. We have to keep up with the pace of professional chase. It's a rat race that we are part of, even if we don't want to. 

And the emergence of smartphones is an icing on the cake. It has unlocked the doors to online possibilities so miraculously that we cannot but marvel and succumb to it.

All these references are drawn to point out the fact that your partner may have his work commitments that involve time-bent engagement with smartphones and their smart features. 

Journalism and Mass Communication Quarterly, 2000 published a research-based finding that talking on the phones is instrumental to communicating with co-workers and colleagues.

Digital media has a vast platform to buy and sell products and services. Smart gadgets are nothing but devices that help us participate in those processes. 

There are lots of professions and jobs that necessitate the use of laptops and smartphones and are easy to perform through one of these digital tools. 

If your partner has a work life that is based on hours-long involvement with his phones, he can't help it, dear. It's his professional obligation that he must perform with unflinching efficiency and dedication.

I can understand his perspective since I have a similar professional front. I am a content writer and have to rely on my phone to create, write, and edit blogs. All this requires a specific time frame around my phone screen that I have to follow in order to deliver the best. Here, my cell phone is my work need and a medium to reach my readers. 

Likewise, your boyfriend may be one of the people whose professional life is smartphone-oriented. This is not weird because millions of people, like freelancers, business owners, and many more, are stepping along the same track. 

I can share a few tips in case you want to cope with the situation

• Show interest in his work and know what exactly he has to do.
• Ask him to chalk out a work schedule outside his personal life.
• Tell him that it's okay to take a break for a few hours and keep his eyes off the mobile screen.
• Understand that he is simply doing his job.
• Urge him to meet when he can concentrate on you and your relationship.

#2 Is there a secret he is trying to hide?

Now that's a real cause of concern that most women apprehend when they notice their boyfriends spending too much time on their phones.

This will be the first thing women love to fuss over. Sometimes it is true that men have secrets that they never want to disclose with their partners. In trying to stay cautious, they make sure their partners cannot peep into the mobile screens and stay careful not to leave their cell phones alone.

The word 'secret' has different implications here. It does not necessarily translate into an act of seeing other girls or having affairs with someone else. The secret may be something that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you, in spite of knowing that he is not wrong.

What I mean is that there are a thousand other things he might feel should be kept in the dark from you, simply not to bother you. It can be some of his personal struggles or family issues, or it can be something related to his health or professional glitch. 

You may ask what all this has to do with his extra attention to his phone. Trust me, it has, even if you don't identify them.

There could be conversations he wants to hide from you, or texts that he never wants to come to your notice. They are countless in number. 

Now, how would you know he is indeed worried or pleased about something? Or whether it is a health concern or something regarding his romantic interest? 

His facial expressions will mirror his thoughts and the kinds of secrets he may be trying to put out of sight. 

My advice is based on the usual reactions, so track them off by observing 

• If he has a smile on his lips, most of the time when he looks at his phone.
• Whether his eyes brighten up as soon as he opens a conversation.
• If he moves to a different place to communicate on his phone.
• If he giggles or gives a half-laugh to avoid your focus while on a call.

Apart from these, there are signs that may indicate he is going through a crisis that he wants to keep as a secret. 

Here they are

• He often tries to avoid the subject of his phone calls when you ask him.
• He gets absent-minded after hanging up.
• He looks visibly worried during his phone calls and goes to other places so that you do not get to see that.
• He tries to overcompensate by faking smiles and excessive elation.

#3 Do you think he is bored with you?

I have met people who often tell me that their boyfriends use mobile phones in a way that it seems they are deliberately doing it. 

But why are they deliberate?

One of the reasons can be his recent apathy to spend time with you. It doesn't prove that he is not interested in you anymore. As far as I perceive, he might be bored with the same dull rhythm of your relationship and your conversations that start and end with no variation.

In reality, he didn't get tired of you but the relational flow that has no color or thrill to look forward to. He might want a change that will make both of you more engrossed. And when he finds no hope of taking a different course, he wishes to keep himself busy with his phone.

For example, when you meet in a place, he knows you would probably talk about other people whom he is least bothered to hear about, or sometimes it is your area of expertise you feel excited to converse with. Still, he cannot express his lack of interest in it and has to listen to you.

In the end, he takes the help of his phone to keep away from these boring chats and lets you know that he cannot pay much attention to your words.

First off, know whether he is really bored. 

How to do that?

• Check with him if he was following what you were saying and ask him about his opinion. If he fumbles, it will mean that he was not pretty excited to hear you out and was less attentive.

• Throw a direct question by wanting to know if your words are making him bored or not.

When you realize that there are certain things or topics which he feels bland, proceed tactfully by 

• Exploring subjects of his hobbies or interests.
• Planning visits to places he has mentioned before as his favorite ones.
• Letting him talk first and simply listening to him.
• Adding the element of fun and excitement by surprise notes, or sudden hugs.

#4 Is it his effort to avoid you?

Let me be very honest with this. It's not out of the ordinary when guys try to avoid their partners for some unknown reason and look for ways to serve the purpose.

Have you done something that might turn him against you or put him off you? Or is it he who did something wrong and is trying to keep a safe distance from you? 

I guess you can consider both of them.

In the former case, if you have hurt him or broken his trust, it may be his damaged emotions that are pushing him into withdrawal. On one hand, he cannot be ruthless enough to hurt you back, and on the other, he can neither stay impassive nor go on like nothing has happened.

So, what is the option you think he is left with? 

He does things that convey that he is less interested or less attentive to you. By making himself absorbed with his phone, he is sending a silent message that he finds nothing else to talk to you, or there is stuff he finds more thrilling than speaking with you. 

On the flip side, if he is the one who wronged you by any means, the possible circumstances will transform him into an avoidant who finds excuses to run away from facing you. As a result, he keeps on scrolling through his social media forums or having chats with others.

But one additional thought just flashed into my mind. I cannot ignore the fact that a lot of men are out there who prefer being on their phones to going into a rift or disagreement with their partners. 

Yes, there are lads who grow a strong belief that any discussion with their ladies will definitely land them up in a fight. Hence, they play online games, talk, shuffle their phone galleries, or spend long hours on social media profiles as an alternative means to escape arguments and bitterness.

The only way to improve the situation is to

• Talk things out that he must have bottled up.
• Assure him that you are not going to explode if he comes forward and speaks his mind.
• Broach subjects he wants to shy away and help him release his fears and anticipation.
• Approach like a friend and uncloud his mind of the unnecessary heaviness.

#5 It may be his addiction he cannot get over

Addiction is not simply a way of getting involved in something. It implies an attachment that goes beyond control. It converts into a dependence that one can hardly get away with.

Our phones are designed to be addictive. They're constantly buzzing and pinging with notifications, demanding our attention. It's no wonder that so many of us are struggling to control our phone use.

- Adam Alter

This is why Adam Alter once stated the addictive nature of using phones with his invaluable utterances, showing how it takes away the priceless moments from our lives.

I have been through this once when I had no work in hand. I used to idle with my phone, doing nothing important and swiping through the feed. For a long time, this has been a regular norm that got me hooked on it. 

I was unaware of my obsession with the virtual world that was wrecking my nerves. In the beginning, it was much like a fun or a pastime activity. As days melted away, it became an addiction that took me at its mercy. And I will never forget what it took me to chuck out the fixation.

My point is that what you now see maybe his overindulgence in his handset that he cannot overcome quite easily. Perhaps it has started in a benign and less harmful way. But at this moment, he is rather led by the digital influence and does not have the restraint to stop or pause.

Instead of getting annoyed, try to help him out by offering him productive and positive ideas like

• Hand him a couple of books belonging to his preferred genre.
• Foster habits like yoga or music therapy to replace his earlier obsession with mobile phones.
• Talk about his passions and motivate him to pursue one of them.
• Encourage him to engage in alternative activities like writing, photography, or something creative that can dissociate him from his phone screen.

Habits change, but that requires time and effort. So, I would advise you to be his guiding light to replace his current addiction with things that can help him grow.

#6 Are you sure he is not trying to 'look' busy?

This is a common phenomenon with many guys who try to look busy in front of others. Especially when he is a shy guy, he pretends to be lost in something else so that people do not approach him to have a talk with him.

Suppose you are somewhere in a crowded place or a public gathering where your boyfriend might feel out of place. To be surrounded by unfamiliar people around him generates a desire in him to evade interaction with them.

So, what does he do as an escape mechanism?

He grabs his phone and tries to project himself as one preoccupied with something serious or important in it. 

People usually stay away from exchanging words with someone who is attending something or someone else, and he leverages this idea. He simply hides in his pretense to shun communication with strangers because of his introverted nature. 

This means he neither has to strike up a conversation with people with whom he feels uneasy nor has to wonder about what he should share with those unknown souls.

But how do you know your prediction is right about him?

• He is a changed man among his friends and social circle and never bothers to look at his phone in their presence.

• He does the same thing whenever he is in a less-known place with less-known people.

• If he meets someone familiar in one of these gatherings, he suddenly becomes friendly, tucks his phone in, and starts talking.

What is bothering you?

If I am not wrong, you are bothered about your boyfriend's newfound penchant for killing time with his phone because, somehow, it is affecting your relationship.

As long as it was restricted to his personal space outside your relationship, it hardly came to your notice. But if and when it starts messing up with your private moments and emotional well-being, your anger or despair comes as an automatic reaction, and I agree that's completely fair.

I think it will be helpful if I do a bit of scrutiny over the pain points that are troubling your peaceful mind.

#1 Is it making you insecure?

Whatever the reason, if partners begin to ignore their counter halves, it mars the whole landscape of the relationship.

Fears and doubts pop into the mind about a partner's loyalty and whether he has met someone more interesting than his lady. 

I can well relate this to your story when you lay beside your boyfriend expecting an intense cuddle or caring gestures, and he starts to turn around with his phone held before his curious eyes on the screen. 

You wait for him to come to you and keep that freaking mobile away. But alas! He never realizes that he is forgetting something more important than his mobile phone. This may be a frequent drama these days when you are around him. 

Everybody going through this similar experience has to feel insecure and upset. 

• 'Is he talking to someone else?'
• 'Does he enjoy being on social media more than my company?'
• 'How would I win him back?'
• 'Are we moving apart?'

My dear, I know you love him, and you don't want to lose him. 

Reading up the Quora stories, I saw examples where women feel neglected by this same attitude, even though they agree that their partners are otherwise lovely people and great to be around.

As I counsel you, I want you to make some intelligent moves. I can give you a few hints on the soft spots of guys that can turn them on. Try them to make it work with your man.

• Tickle his senses with sudden passionate touches on his sensitive areas.

• Don't ever snatch his phone away, rather, make him put it back by creating a romantic ambiance around with dim lights and soft music that he finds irresistible to look away.

• Say ' I love you' with a delicate tone when he least expects it.

• Make love with caressing strokes when he is not ready by unbuttoning his clothes.

Men love surprises, especially when it's their girlfriends who initiate them through passionate language. Swing him out with the raging flame of desire, and trust me, he will be caught under the spell.

#2 Is he ignoring your needs?

It is a challenging phase of your relationship when you can sense that your boyfriend loves to be always on his phone, ignoring your expectations and needs from him.

A romantic partnership requires the emotional participation of both lovers. It can never be a one-sided road. His attachment to digital smart gadgets can lead to detachment from his loved one, which he is not being able to perceive.

I know it's natural and normal for a woman to expect priority, commitment, and extra attention from his boyfriend to her tiniest detail. 

And don't you agree that girls flip over boys who can make them feel validated? Yes, women want to be seen, to be heard, and to be valued. That's why they decide to go along with someone who can treasure their presence.

Similar stories flood the Reddit discussions where girlfriends are sick of their men and their hobby horses with phones. 

I can guess what is going on in your mind. You must be thinking, if your partner is incessantly breaking the unwritten ritual, then what's the point of being after him? After all, he is your boyfriend who chose to care for you without being forced or asked to.

True. Of course, you are not supposed to beg for priority or attention.

But what if there remains a communication gap or a mistaken idea about his over-involvement with mobile phones? 

Does he really know that his actions are hurting you? 

This isn't easy, I understand, to put yourself in his shoes when you expect him to feel empathetic to you. Still, either of you must be lenient and push the envelope for the sake of the relationship.

Every lover, including me, knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of such humiliation when your partner is choosing something else over you and giving a deaf ear to your wants.

Despite this, I can claim that in the long run, efforts would last, and it's your adherence to each other that would soar high.

Things to highlight along

So far, I have shed light on the domains that are associated with his roles and contributions. It's time you take stock of your own behaviors that could have been fueling his excessive knack for smartphone use.

Yes, there are certain things that might seem too negligible to consider, but after a closer reflection, you may probably fathom their significance and look for opportunities to get them corrected on time.

#1 How much time do you devote to him?

Have you thought of this side before? You are expecting his attention, his wholehearted devotion toward you, yet you care less about the changes you can bring about through your own responses.

Sometimes, a minor crack can lead to an unexpected collapse. I'm not holding it to be the ultimate truth, but there is always a possibility that your partner is simply treating you the way you treated him.

Let me ask you for a brief time travel to a period when he might be feeling equally restless and grieved to see you attending to others more than you or talking or texting on the phone, paying no heed to how he must be feeling.

Now is the time you should ask yourself the right questions to find the right answers to your sufferings.

• Did you always bother to take care of his feelings and sentiments?

• Have you been the kind of girlfriend a man may idealize?

• Are you ready to take responsibility for your fault that must have pumped him into reacting this way?

• Were you there for him to love and support during the trying hours when he wanted a simple hug?

• Do you think you looked after his soul when it longed for healing?

• How did you treat his expectations? 

#2 Are you sure you are not overthinking?

It's not that I'm in the mood to feel dismissive about your aching heart. But people overthink, and they do it when it comes to their close ones. It is a time-worn trend of our vulnerable selves. 

Men are active talkers on phones, and this is the truth you should embrace with acceptance.

Proceedings in Fifth International Conference, 2012 enlightens us with the information through studies that men are more active than women in terms of having talks on their cellular phones.

Whether you admit it or not, it's absolutely fine if you happen to be one of those girlfriends who are always overthinking about their men. But at the same time, you must teach yourself how not to do away with your mental equilibrium by encouraging your pointless fears.

For example, to see that your boy is going on with his phone conversations in your presence without being willing to put it on hold, you feel avoided. This may continue for several days, and you can't help being angry and unsettled.

Fine. Accepted.

But if that takes you on the verge of feeling inferior or skeptical about him, breeding unwanted nervous breakdowns and sleepless nights, it's not fine. Don't let the negative thoughts tame your rationality.

So how to react and what to do?

• In the first place, convince yourself that you are taking too much stress over things that can be handled wisely.

• Talk to a friend or someone who would listen to you and help you with their opinions.

• Take help from a therapist to learn the technical methods to deal with your agitated mind.

• Ask your partner to support you and be there if you ever cross the boundary or overreact. It's only him whose words can work like a game-changer. 

How to steer him the right way?

We often fail to identify that our own conduct is damaging our relationship. When the person who has been the worst sufferer of our mistakes decides to stay reticent and move away from us, either we blame them or we feel too shocked to spot the errors made by us.

You know that something terrible is affecting the happy essence you have built up over the years, and as a result, your relationship is on the rocks.

Can you still keep mum? 

No.

Then what are the ways to do the magic trick and find the previous flavor back?

Follow the end part.

#1 Communication will bring you close

The first thing you need to accept is that open communication has the power to detox the grievances and discomfiture that might be eating up the spirit of your relationship.

Your confusion will be clarified, and both of you will find solace. Mark my words, dear. A direct conversation regarding your emotional blockage is the most convenient means to get things off your chest. It always helps to decide which road to take and which to abandon.

Look at some of the key statements you can phrase out to your partner.

• 'Baby, I can see you are quite busy with your phone these days. You must have some important tasks that you didn't feel like sharing with me. That's okay. But I think you need to finish up with your assignments or whatever that's grabbing your attention before we meet or talk. Or else, I feel extremely left out.'

• 'Do you find me complaining about anything that's not worth it? To be honest with you, I feel very insecure and neglected when you stick to your mobile in front of me and never look back at what I might be going through.'

• 'Can you do me a favor, darling? I will never ask for anything from you. Please don't stay on your phone while I am around. It's pissing me off. I want your eyes laid on me only and not on your phone screen.'

#2 See how it works when you spend time together

Spending time with your partner can never fail you, I promise. You won't believe how it revives the lost charm until you experience it.

And when you decide on it by doing bizarre things and being crazy together, it adds a new dimension to your partnership. Both of you will end up rediscovering the childish versions of yourselves and asserting a stronger connection than before. 

Let me help you with some out-of-the-box ideas.

• Recreate the memories of your initial dates by visiting the old places and wearing the same clothes.

• Take a flight impromptu and fly to places without planning.

• Visit the famous bookstores of your city together, and pick out books of your interest to read out loud at your place.

• Explore your city and its local places by walking and visiting the streets and savoring the local food together.

• Try a new skill that you always wanted.

To sum up, do anything that involves both of you so intensely that you forget everything else and seize the moment to your heart's content.

#3 Show him life can be better even without phones

If you genuinely believe that life can be beautiful without our digital companions, then make him feel the same principle.

The most important thing is to connect with people, not devices.

- Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks has probably spoken the minds of all those who love to cherish the best moments by connecting to people, free from all digital distractions.

Could you make it sound casual to reminisce about the older times? 

Refer to those days when people had no smart accessories or technologically advanced machines to accompany them and relied entirely on the warmth of their friends and close ones. And life was simple. Life was uncomplicated.

Tell him in a way that it seems you are suggesting him to try having a life with more friends and fewer digital tools. It will be much like an experiment, and invite him to take part in it.

Make memories, have conversations, and share your deepest whims and desires.

Eat. Pray. Love. 

And you won't need your smartphones for that.