I Kissed Someone Else While in a Relationship: Is It a Breach of Trust?

Having someone by your side and to love you with their life is a real stroke of luck. It rarely happens to everyone. You plan for a future together and let yourself lose in the ebb and tide of the emotional surge.

But relationships do not come without challenges, my dear. As the saying goes, 'There is no rose without a thorn,' every pleasing experience with someone you love bears the painful sides as well. 

There are both risks and rewards to this entire journey of emotional give and take. And you have to accept them with a similar absorption. 

Yet, things get complicated and unbearable when one of the partners does an act of infidelity. The guilt, shame, anger, and pain are the inevitable repercussions for both partners involved.

It won't be an overstatement to claim that this is not a punishment for the person on the receiving end only but also for the person who did it if he has a heart, so to speak.

Why did I mention the term infidelity to talk about kissing someone else? 

That's because kissing someone else while in a relationship is synonymous with betraying your partner. It may look minor to certain people, but the impact in the context of the concerned relationship is humongous. 

People suffer like hell when they discover their partner getting on the wrong ride.

But what about the very one who is in question? Does he have nothing to say about the act he committed? How is he feeling now that he did it and had nothing to do to change the past? 

The discussion will go on until you have a definite answer. Without a drop of doubt, I will bring it on the table for today's blog. 

Allow me to interject

I believe kissing is a very intimate act of showing love and passion. It is not like an affectionate peck that we use to anyone out of non-romantic warmth. Therefore, it will be deemed as a special gesture among couples.

Now, if this special gesture is shown to a person other than your partner, it is surely a breach of trust. Love is an undivided feeling. If it comes as a whole, it is worth embracing, but if it demands a rule of sharing, it can be anything but love. 

Do you get my point?

I'm not being harsh but practical. Along with that, I don't dismiss the value of emotions and their role in a romantic affinity. 

If you have kissed someone outside your relationship and now cannot get it off your chest, it's a good sign because that proves you acknowledge your mistake. 

See, I think you are well aware that there will be reactions. But know that life doesn't stop for anything. And time will devour everything, good and bad, through the course of months and years. Yes, there will be scars, but that, too, will fade away if you both are willing to work on it.

Switch off your mind from everything else for the next couple of hours as I am going to thrash it out in this article by touching upon all aspects like 

• Detect the driving impetus behind your actions
• Why is it bothering you
• Things to consider before you confess
• How to make amends

Detect the driving impetus behind your action

You have done something that is unfair and mean. But that happened due to a series of stimulating conditions you couldn't ignore. 

Sometimes, these conditions are shaped for a considerable period, and sometimes, they occur at the spur of the moment. 

As far as kissing someone else is concerned, it is a betraying act that can be resulted from many a reason. The psychology varies from one to another, and so do the conducts. 

So, before judging yourself, take my help to reflect on those subconscious impetus, contexts, and unavoidable forces that drove you into such misconduct.

#1 It was a momentary temptation 

If you want it to portray as a momentary temptation, you must know what tempted you in particular. 

Let me be very honest. Not everyone can avoid the allure of physical satisfaction. And in a world of less love and more sensual drive, people fall prey to enjoying carnal pleasure. It's in no way a part of love or dedication, it's utterly an unethical gesture.

A kiss can be a promise, a declaration of love, or a betrayal. It all depends on who you're kissing and why.

- Veronica Roth, Divergent

Veronica Roth has made the relevant remark in describing a kiss as a blessing or betrayal according to the person who is kissed. And that will conveniently clarify and differentiate between a kiss of selfless love and a kiss of hedonistic pleasure.

Physical intimacy is a driving energy in a romantic relationship. But when you are committed to someone, your mind is likely to be preoccupied with the inner beauty of your partner and captivated by her charm.

That is why the idea of temptation can be tricky for a lover. They cannot afford to be overwhelmed by something that would lead them to deviate from their moral course of action.

But still, people fall into the trap. They cannot avoid the lure for temporary satisfaction, a wave of seemingly magical spells that will hypnotize their senses for a while, and they forget about everything in pursuing the 'sin.'

We get the reference to the Bible, where Adam and Eve committed their first sin in the Garden of Eden by eating the forbidden fruit tempted by the serpent. 

So, this started from the very beginning that human beings are prone to do sinful acts, being unable to shun the enticement.

I would definitely like to take another reference from the poem Sick Rose by William Blake, who stated how the innocence of the rose was marred by the evil worm, turning her sick and devoid of chastity once she gave in to the sensual indulgence.

All these are meant to point out the very source of your temporary weakness. It is the instinctive need that acted as the hamartia and caused a downfall to your otherwise loyal self.

Let me ask you a few relevant questions to help you with clarity:

• Did you enjoy the kiss?
• Was it you who initiated it?
• Do you think it's a mistake?
• Have you met that person later?
• Do you want it to happen again?

If you want to let go of the turmoil you are in, get honest answers to them because you are the only one who can judge it with an unbiased perspective and find the solution. 

#2 Did you want to hurt your partner?

It's not a rarity if you tell me that you kissed someone else because you wanted to hurt your partner, and it won't be a shocker for me.

I have heard this innumerable times that people who are neglected or somehow mistreated by their better halves take this as a retaliation to teach them a good lesson.

The best couple in our batch, whom we all looked up to during our university days, got married after a courtship of five years. I never thought that something this weird could come between them that might lead to a lifelong separation.

But it did happen in the unlikeliest manner. The boy was caught kissing another girl from his lab by his wife. Later, he revealed that he was suffering from tremendous agony from his partner's repeated humiliation and made up his mind to punish her in a way she would never forget. 

Unfortunately, in doing so, he punished himself, too. But it's too late now to reverse the wheels and straighten things up once again.

I talked about this experience since I knew them very closely and do not want this to happen to anyone. 

My suggestion to you, therefore, will be to realize the seriousness of your act and that it's not a childish game that can be forgotten at a day's break. 

With that, do get this very clear that:

• You can't hurt your partner without ending up hurting yourself.

• You both are standing on the same side, so if you think you will gain pleasure from her pain, it will backfire on you in the end.

• You should try to solve the unaddressed issues in a healthy way and not by being vindictive against her.

#3 Have you lost the feeling for your partner?

Growing feelings for someone else and losing interest in one's current partner can frequently be interrelated. If either of them is your story, then perhaps I know how it actually worked before your kissing moment.

I would explain both of them in a single way.

Persons who are involved in a romantic partnership might feel out of love for several reasons. It can be boredom, lack of communication, misunderstanding, prioritizing other people or things in life, or toxicity that can be vicious to the anatomy of a relationship.

As soon as they realize they have to come out of the net, they try to do something that would be a valid reason to blame the other and break up. It can be a one-night stand, a kissing act, or simply getting physical with someone else.

What happens next? 

Their partners get infuriated and yell at them in fury and decide to split up. That becomes the long-awaited moment of victory for them as they become free birds once again to move on with someone better and live their life.

The reason why I mentioned this is to know if that was the 'behind the scene' story.

Look, losing interest in your partner is not an unforgivable crime, but manipulating them is.

The alternative moves you could and should have taken are:

• Say it clearly that you lack the feeling toward them and want to end the relationship.

• Talk to them and persuade them that it's not working out anymore between you.

• Be honest about your feelings to them.

• You can give it one last try by finding a compromise before quitting.

#4 Was it a flirtatious act?

Flirting with someone else when you are engaged with your girlfriend/boyfriend is also an unacceptable and foul act. That means what you have done by kissing the person was deliberate and well thought out.

But flirting can be directed by other factors too that may have gone unnoticed by you. 

Some may talk in favor of flirting as an additional element of fun or excitement in a relationship, or some may consider this as a means to seek validation or attention from partners.

Whatever your reason is, flirting gives a sense of cheating, and that bothers your counter half a lot. In a monogamous commitment, it is looked upon as highly disrespectful and inappropriate to kiss in order to flirt. 

Physical intimacy in the form of a kiss is never restricted to the idea of playfulness. And when it is intentional with the purpose of flirting, it's even worse. That affirms the fact that you were half-hearted in your relationship so far.

My recommended modes of reflection can be a healer if you can adopt them with wholehearted sincerity:

• Never take your relationship for granted.

• Make a set of guidelines for your relationship.

• Kissing may be the initial step to the want of something more in the future from the person kissed, which won't be appreciated by your partner. 

• Kissing as a flirtatious move is a contrasting truth to fidelity. Decide which one to choose.

#5 Is it your ex you haven't got over?

So, this is it. Should I tell you how often I hear young people sharing the same accidental kissing experience with their ex? 

No dear. It is not accidental. The reality is that you never faced it this way before. You kissed your ex because you wanted to. They didn't force you to, did they?

When it is a mutually consented act, it indicates that you still have a lingering feeling about them, which just found its way through a passionate liplock. 

And talking about your current partner or your current relationship, I think you need to reassess it until you are sure you do not miss your former companion.

No matter how this occurred, it was never a one-sided involvement. You did take part in it, and that was so spontaneously done that it never stopped until a few seconds. 

If you say it's not love, I won't disagree. You may be right. But that, too, doesn't lessen the impact of the incident and makes it look like a small deed of misdemeanor. 

You must realize that what you did was not something to take pride in or dismiss as a small-time mistake. It is inexcusable. Accept that it is a moral turpitude. 

What's now, then?

• Take a break and ask yourself what you exactly want.
• Analyze why you let this happen.

• Talk to a reliable friend who would understand your compulsions.
• Do not go back to the danger zone again by contacting your ex if you do not want to date them back.

#6 Were you drunk?

People seem to be happy to accuse alcohol when they commit something indecent out of their drunken state. 

I guess that's merely an excuse to get away with whatever misdeed you performed. I believe that the state of intoxication lets your emotions flow in an effortless way. 

You become the person by its dizzying effect you are afraid to be when you are in your senses. The liquid devil does its trick in making you an honest one, blurting out the long-suppressed truths. 

If you think you will give this nonsense to fly the coop, you are mistaken. You were drunk, yet you remember the incident and how it went on between you. 

A drunken kiss is as offensive as any other form of cheating. After all, a kiss by mistake is still a kiss.

I would like to say that there must have been ways to control your vulnerable condition if you really wanted to. 

Don't take me wrong, but when a person knows they can be put to a susceptible state by a few pegs of liquor, they should avoid being around others who can take advantage of it. And if they get carried away by the inebriating mojo and allow themselves to kiss someone, it cannot be termed as innocent or unconscious. 

Still, there are unresolved facts which need to be taken into account:

• Were you too drunk to remember the day?
• Do you have a vague memory of what followed afterward?
• Have you had a conversation with the person you kissed?
• Do you want to justify your action as a result of being in an alcoholic stupor?

In  Reddit discussions, I found a conflict of opinions where some people are dismissive of a drunken kiss as an isolated incident, while others are condemning it as a vile act of inconsistency.

#7 Are you in a long-distance relationship?

Surviving a long-distance relationship takes abiding devotion, patience, and strength of connection between partners. I hear people complain about losing it all during their stays in different parts of the world. 

Couples suffer from isolation and depression when they have to move apart and live without each other. To many of them, a relationship is all about keeping the flame alive by fostering a strong physical connection, meeting each other, and having the privilege of staying close.

Out of this belief, it becomes difficult for them to remain in a committed zone for a long time, and most of them slip away or want a break up. And those who haven't decided to end it yet are in two minds about whether they should leave it or try harder to keep it.

This indecisiveness often has a great negative impact on them, especially on people who have a narcissistic personality. Narcissistic individuals are unreasonably self-absorbed and attracted to physical beauty.

Their urge for excitement is always on the zenith ,and they enjoy everything that is new, interesting, and adds flavor to their life. This is the reason they do not feel happy to see the fun element dying down, especially when they are in a long-distance relationship.

Their search for thrill and color remains constant even in the absence of their partners. It is when they know they can't be content with this unending distance and crave adventure.

Not only narcissists but also for many such other people out there, it is the novelty in a relationship that keeps them moving. They can be up for a kissing adventure or getting into bed with someone else when their partners are away just for the sake of gratification.

In short, the lack of physical presence is dormant among them during this phase, and they feel like getting physically close to others to explore and experiment with casual short-term dating experiences.

If this is the root of your recent 'mistake', you need to fix your own confusion. Knowing what we want from a relationship and our partner is important before we make a vital decision.

Is it only for the physical beauty you got along with your companion? Do you have that intense emotional dependence that binds us for ages? 

Mark one thing that your infidelity cannot be coined as your way of enjoyment. If you are not sure about your feelings for your current partner, take a break from them or discuss the boundaries of your relationship. Your unfulfilled desires can not be resolved through shitty lip-pressing but by healthy addressal.

What is bothering you

You have done something irreversible, and now you cannot help tearing your hair on that. 

Why is it bothering you to the point of losing your mind? Is it your sense of guilt, your conscience, or your unwavering love toward your mate that is haunting you at the dread of the night and throwing you in the middle of a swirl of mixed feelings?

Maybe a more comprehensive approach can defog your mind. 

#1 You know it was wrong, and you regret it

Having committed something as disagreeable as kissing someone other than your partner, it is usual to feel ashamed of yourself. 

Provided you are a person of principle who is proud of playing by the books, it may hit you as a shocking revelation about your own character. 

There are a kind of people who own an honest-to-goodness personality and are confident of their uprightness throughout their lives. Anything crookedly engrossing cannot dominate their pride or draw their attention.

These are the ones who grow complacent about their unbending sense of morality. But when these ideals are shaken by one single mistake, they feel like dying in shame. After that, comes regret and a never-ending episode of aching trials.

Knowing that it was painstakingly wrong to defame your own values and yield to a physical impulse is evidence that it was not an intended step. 

When you stop trying to play the victim or justify your delinquency, you are one step closer to redemption by accepting that you were wrong.

The self-discovery is a much-needed realization for people like you who never undertake a vile act that's unlike them.

#2 You love your partner and didn't want to hurt her

Being a devoted lover, it might be eating your soul that you couldn't stick to your promise to love your partner with an honest heart. 

So, you are fundamentally a genuine person. You love your soulmate, and it was a one-time mistake that you feel repentant of.

Don't beat yourself up for something you admit was not like your character. We all know that there are a number of individuals who have a vast history of cheating or who have a cheating trait inherent in them.

Had you been one of them, there wouldn't have been a sign of remorse in you. The love you have earned and built for so many months or years of emotional investment cannot be determined by one incident that was unintentional.

You are unsettled because you never wanted to cause them the suffering they never deserved. Yes, you are worried about their worries. 

Get your mind under control by

• A careful reflection on your true intention before and after the kissing episode.

• An honest assessment of your level of commitment to your partner.

• An afterthought of the act by seeing whether your priorities and values change after this one example.

#3 It's the fear of losing your partner that's bothering you

Most guys are disturbed by the thought that their partner might leave them upon hearing about how they came close to someone else and exchanged the warmth of lips.

The fear is, in a way, good. Because we want to hold those whom we love and do not want to part with at any cost. If it is this fear that keeps you on a loose end, may I say you are worth a second chance.

You may be putting yourself in their shoes to feel horrible each time it flashes upon your mind. And you know that there might not be any excuse or explanation to stop them from getting upset and feeling betrayed.

The thought of being deserted by the person whom you cannot think of your life without is likely to break your confidence.

Look, if you know that your action was invariably a trigger to a major feud, you have to undergo this phase of anticipation. 

Do not let this fear go because once it is gone, there will be no love left in you to offer. 

Things to consider before you confess

I won't be a dutch-uncle if you have decided to confess your misdeed to your partner. 

But have you considered all the knock-on effects before you take your next step? If not, it's time you should slow down, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and hit the bull's eye. 

Remember that it won't be easy and in line with your expectations. Pondering the aftermath and possible ramifications can lead you to take sensible and calculated strategies.

I will show you the ropes one by one.

#1 It may take long for things to normalize

This is the most difficult truth to make peace with when you work up the courage to speak about your questionable gesture. Things won't be fixed overnight because the wounds will be deep-cut.

Learning that your partner has gone to someone else with a physical urge to please their senses, even if it's not sharing a bed with them, it hurts. It overturns and crushes your small world built on the foundation of love, trust, and unshakable faith. 

Hence, it is obvious that they will need time to sink it in, to accept, to react, and finally to forget. The marks of despair will be written on their face as long as they cannot get over the blow. 

Once the thing is done, you cannot take back the memory, no matter how hard you try. Every day will be a new battle for the person who will discover the other self of their beloved in such a terrible way. Whether you accept it or not, it will be heart-wrenching. 

People who blindly trust their better halves find it nearly impossible to wipe out their damaging behavior so soon. The result might be noticed through the lifeless involvement of your partner in the relationship. 

What could be the immediate and long-term reactions?

• Either they would scream, cry, and walk away or would be almost petrified and turn cold when you utter the truth.

• They might ask for time to think over their decision to go around with you or can act normal to hide the inner implosion from you.

• You may see them break down miserably in front of you and lose the shine from their eyes as time goes on until you can win their trust again.

• They can break up with you.

• They can be suspicious of you about whatever you do or wherever you go.

#2 You have to be genuinely sorry for your deed

I'm adding this suggestion as I have seen the disloyal partners saying sorry for the sake of going on with nastiness and playing with the emotions of others. 

Unless you realize that you have wronged someone with unfair conduct, it's pointless to shed the crocodile's tears. It will certainly be the repetition of your desultory attitude. 

Unfortunately, the unfelt 'sorry' will open another door to deception. It means that you might repeat your action under similar situations in the future when you won't be able to resist yourself once again and take others accountable for your own guilt to defend yourself. 

#3 It will have a strong impact on your relationship

Being in a relationship calls for a frame of mind that is ready to go along the ifs and buts of it. You can call yourself a true lover when you develop the emotional substance to understand the effect of disloyalty and casual dalliance on your relationship.

None of us holds a larger-than-life character. We are ordinary people with ordinary qualities. Imperfection is a common trait in human nature, but infidelity is not. And being exceptionally ordinary, we can never support inconsistency and falsehood.

The dry facts are that the moment you move from the path of commitment and constancy, there will be undeniable impacts. It will take out the heart of your relationship. There will be prolonged suffering and a sense of loss in both your partner and you.

The worst part is that an unwanted feeling of insecurity may creep into your significant other, who might begin to consider themselves inferior, undeserving, and inadequate. 

Infidelity is the ultimate act of disrespect. It's saying to the person you love, 'You're not enough for me.' And that's a wound that never truly heals.

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

Jodi Picoult, in her My Sister's Keeper, has made a reference to the ravages left by infidelity to the victim by echoing the same note of disrespect that ruins the backbone of that person.

Trust will indeed be hard to rebuild, and there can be multiple issues arising from nowhere between you when the truth of cheating will be exposed to the person cheated on. Moreover, it will put their worth in question and turn them into ones with low self-esteem.

How to make amends

The sincerity of your remorse and shame will be reflected in the way you are willing to make amends and repair the damage you carved.

This is what I think is in your hands to control and the best thing you can afford to pursue.

You have kissed someone. But the truth that matters today is how much effort you are ready to put in to make it acceptable. 

What are you waiting for? 

Read it and nail it.

#1 Say sorry and apologize

Well, this is going to be the most challenging conversation you have ever initiated. Here, you have to confess the kissing scene with absolute honesty and transparency. 

There will be an outburst of emotional gush, which you need to deal with a presence of mind and utmost affection. Saying sorry won't be as simple as you think, and you have to take the entire responsibility for the blunderous kiss with your single-handed care.

Stating the details of the incident without a missing part will definitely make you feel lighter and stronger. Your partner might not be in a state of stability to digest the harshness at the first instant. You have to allow them the time and space to process the whole event.

Journal of Family Therapy, published in 2011 documented the concept of reviving relationship by means of forgiving the partner's infidelity when they cultivate empathy and seek an apology.

Do follow these tips to take hold of the situation :

• Accept your contribution with genuine self-criticism.
• Don't try to be defensive of your wrongdoing.
• Be empathetic to their feelings.
• Let them know that you will work things out with utmost commitment and loyalty.
• Tell them you are ready to face the music and endure the penalty without objection.

#2 Stay patient to rebuild the trust 

As has been mentioned earlier, that the memory of your act won't go away in a day. Probably it will take a month, or a year, or more than that to get the old chemistry back between you. 

For that, you both need to participate in the process of healing and curing each other of the ailing past. 

On the one hand, you have to be patient and enduring toward their lashing tongue and on the other, they too have to be committed to working through the crisis by growing and rebuilding trust, and forgiving you in the first place.

Quora stories show that people are of the opinion that one should not be hiding facts of kissing someone else to their partner and it is their confession that can put things in order again.

The recovery will come through

• Open communication that will radiate codependency, respect, and mutual readiness to confide in each other.
• Desire to learn from your past mistakes and grow together.
• Hearing them out and letting yourself be heard by them.
• Avoiding to bring up your past in the present context.

#3 Professional therapy might help

If you are troubled by the thought of your 'careless kiss' and feeling a sharp punch in the stomach for days, it would be a useful idea to seek help from a professional relationship expert or therapist.

They will provide you with valuable methods and tricks to overcome guilt and self-abashment. Most importantly, it will be a non-judgemental procedure where you will be able to lay your heart open in a safe space with the assurance of friendly guidance.

Acknowledging the need to approach someone trained to counsel yourself is a positive hint that you know the impact of the incident and are ready to do everything to restore the balance. 

It's essential for everyone who has the right mindset to stay honest about their malevolence that getting support will help them move forward. 

Therefore, choose to find the right support and stay happy.

Tips

• Be understanding of your partner's emotional wreckage after revealing the event 

• Honest communication will reflect your admittance and acceptance of guilt.

• Keep your ears open to the side of the story your better half might have to tell you.

• Devote yourself to regaining the trust factor by commitment and faithfulness.

• Offer a heartfelt apology to them and set specific boundaries to settle on.