My Boyfriend Still Helps His Ex-Girlfriend (Here's Why & Tips)

It might make you angry if you discover that your boyfriend helps his ex-girlfriend. The first thought that might occur in your mind is why he would even talk to her in the first place. The whole situation might feel absurd to you.

Nobody likes to be an overly protective, possessive, and insecure girlfriend. In the process, society entitles them as pathetic girlfriends. 

If you feel you might be behaving like one, please don't. If your boyfriend helps his ex, we need to do a little digging to find ourselves in the right direction. 

Let's begin by finding out the reasons. Scroll down to know more. 

Reasons why your boyfriend helps his ex-girlfriend 

It might be an emergency or his ex pretends that it is something critical and life-threatening. Many people like to give threats and shed crocodile tears to control their past. 

Hence, you might need to find a way to help your boyfriend here. But before that, you need to figure out why can't he see what is crystal clear to you and what can be the possible reasons influencing his action. 

#1 They are good friends 

If your boyfriend is good friends with his ex, he won't see any harm in helping her out. After all, that is what friendships are for, right? However, if it irks you and makes you jealous, you should talk to him. But before that, imagine two scenarios. 

In the first scenario, think if your boyfriend was not connected with his ex. 

What do you think might have happened if one fine day, he would have bumped into her randomly at a shopping mall? Don’t you think there would have been a peak of adrenaline rush? Even if an ice-breaking session would not occur between them, your boyfriend’s mind would have been engrossed with the thoughts of his ex. Your presence might not have succeeded in making a difference. 

You would have felt awkward and lost. You might want to discover more about his past at that moment, and an overwhelming sense of insecurity might have stirred in you. For all you know, your boyfriend might have started stalking his ex, and you might have been keeping the hawk’s eye on him. A sense of restlessness would have started consuming the peaceful elements of your relationship.

Now, imagine the current scenario where your boyfriend’s ex is well-informed about who he is dating, and you have met her in person. While a sense of insecurity and possessiveness might lurk in the background, at the same time, there is an assurance that the chances of an adulteration happening here is much lesser than in the previous scenario which would have been more exciting and enticing.

#2 The breakup was mutual 

There are not many situations where you will find that someone is on good terms with their ex. In most cases, there had to be an urgency to call off the relationship, a discovery of one of them cheating on the other was made, and there was an overwhelming sense of apology.

However, the situation flips when the breakup was a mutual agreement for the feelings were unchanged but due to certain unforeseen situations or helpless circumstances, they had to part their ways and drift apart from one another. In such situations, they will have this habit of checking upon each other and updating each other about the happenings and mishappenings in their life. If anything, they will be glad that either of them has succeeded in finding a partner and is doing well in their life. Such noble feelings are rooted in friendship and fidelity.

#3 Kindness is harmless 

Your boyfriend is a kind man and he doesn’t mind helping others if it is convenient. The equation strengthens if the person seeking help is a known one. In that case, even if they have to walk a few miles before they reach the destination, they feel okay with it. 

You cannot stop your boyfriend from helping a person in need. However, if that is leading to situations where he is spending more time with this person than he is with you, then you can raise your voice. Just because your boyfriend is being kind to his ex, he cannot be unkind to you. 

The approach has to be friendly and mellow. You should not use harsh or biting words that will make it impossible for him to find a way to reach you. If you feel that a gulf is engulfing you, seek his help in earthing it back to normal again.

#4 He is resourceful 

Perhaps your boyfriend’s ex is nagging him because he is resourceful and she is aware of that. His help or a good word might get her promoted. This might be something that she has been looking forward to for a long time. Hence, the desperation.

Your boyfriend knows the behavior and nature of his ex well. If he has decided to help her, it has to be because it is not every day that she would pose as a damsel in distress before a guy. She might be an independent and rightful woman fighting the injustice committed by male chauvinists in the local area. 

Your boyfriend wants to be a part of a noble cause for various reasons. Firstly, it is noble. Second, it will bring goodwill to his firm as the name gets associated. Hence, rather than getting all worked up, try to see the politics in play to get the bigger frame. You would be surprised to see that you too want to be a part of this. These things happen when the ex is either an activist, a reporter, or an author.

#5 She helps him too 

If your boyfriend goes to his ex, seeking help as and when needed, why won’t she? If you didn’t object when he went seeking help, why are you objecting now? Some things are better when kept simple. You reap what you saw. When you extend an arm to take, you will have to extend another arm to give. The fundamentals of giving and taking will carry on this way. 

At this point, you might want to think about your relationship with your ex. If it feels you with wrath and bitterness, it is better to get over it as soon as possible. You should not see only one side of the whole situation. Being over-possessive and clingy might scare your boyfriend away. You want to be a girl who loves her guy based on what and how he is with you as long as he is not sleeping with someone else. If you want to grow greater, ask him if there is something that you can do or any way in which you can contribute to alleviating his ex's predicament and adversity. 

#6 He knows you would have done the same 

Your boyfriend is helping his ex because he has completely dissociated himself from her. In the current situation, he is only trying to help a person in trouble. 

It is not concerning him what is the equation or the relation that he has shared with this person. Moreover, your boyfriend told you about this. It shows that he loves and respects you, and doesn't want to disappoint you. He feels that you will understand his situation, and would be pleased by his decision.

Ask yourself what would you have done had you been in his place. If you feel that your choice and decision would have been different, tell him about it. Even if you feel that you are not as flawless as your boyfriend thinks you to be, break the disillusion. It is important to love each other for the right reasons. 

#7 She is in desperate need

Perhaps the girl's reason is such that your boyfriend cannot snap the door on her. She might be in a very difficult situation. Don't haste to conclusions without getting a proper understanding of the situation.

You can assure that you don't get fooled by the hand of your boyfriend by the following:

• Read their messages and get a clear idea about what is going on between them.
• Ask your boyfriend to give a detailed explanation of the same. 
• Request him to involve and include in the process so that you have a first-hand idea of what is going on between them.
• Notice his behavior and reaction when he is involved with his ex. If he gets secretive, you must confront him immediately. 

#8 He has latent feelings for her 

You cannot underestimate the possibility that your boyfriend still holds feelings for his ex. It might be that she doesn't heed his feelings except when she needs him.

This would further imply that she uses him like a tissue, discarding him whenever she feels like doing it. Hence, you must try to shield your boyfriend here. Make him realize that he is being used. 

You can do this by asking him questions that should trigger the thought within him, or by playing the situation game. You can ask him if there is something (give it a similar nature of dynamics as his ex did) regarding which you want to contact your ex. Tell him that he can help you to fix the problem instantly. Wait to see his reaction. 

If he approves of it at once, he has either understood what you are doing here, or his character lacks integrity. If he disapproves and tells you that though it might be time-consuming he will like to help you, point out that his ex could have done the same. He will get your point here and might appreciate it in the long run. 

#9 He is cheating on you 

Your boyfriend can pretend to be noble in thought and purpose as much as he likes but if he tries to sacrifice transparency in the relationship, you are yet to pave a long way before settling for him as your "the one."

Remember, the one meant for you will not give you mixed vibes. Hence, if your boyfriend loves and cares for you, he will always make you feel loved and protected. He will ask you before making critical moves in his life. Most of all, he will never take you for granted.

What to do when your boyfriend helps his ex? 

Express your approval or disapproval even if it has not been asked for. It is your fundamental right to express your feelings and state them clearly if there is something about them that makes it uncomfortable for you. 

To know more, read below.

#1 Keep the activities in check  

If you are hesitating to express your disapproval straightforwardly before your boyfriend, you can ask him to share the details and insights with you. 

You should know why your boyfriend's ex is coming to him for help. Is there no one else in the world who can help her? You deserve to know the context here. 

If your boyfriend doesn't hesitate in expressing the nature of his involvement and the reason, you have nothing to fear about. 

If, on the contrary, he makes the situation awkward by trying to bail out desperately, then he is guilty of the charge. A sensible and sound-minded person who is convinced that he is not making a mistake will not lose his calm. 

#2 Ask him to involve you more 

If you feel that your boyfriend is getting distant owing to giving more time to helping his ex, suggest he should involve you in the process. Show it as your earnest wish to become an active participant in rescuing his ex from her adversity. 

This could not be taken with a negative undertone. Your wish is sincere here. Your boyfriend should feel it. If he gets aggressive about it, the problem is with him and in his intentions. 

If he is glad by your proposal, you are a strong team together that can't be easily swayed or overthrown by outside influence. You can feel it when it's real.

#3 Invite his ex over 

It is no harm when you come to think of inviting your boyfriend's ex over, even if the idea horrifies you at first. Fearing the previous chapters will lead you nowhere. You should use them to move forward into creating something powerful and concrete. 

Once you begin to practice it, there is no stopping you. Life will take you onward and you won't get the occasional hiccups. You will understand that certain setbacks are necessary to appreciate the beautiful people you have in your life lest, over time, you might run the risk of taking them for granted. 

#4 Ask him the reason 

You can ask your boyfriend why he is so interested in or eager to help his ex. Let him spell out the reason to you when you are not convinced by his motives. It is never too wise to be skeptical. When the doubts can be easily put to bay, it is for the best to do it. 

If you are wondering whether there is any turnaround way to go about this, there isn't. Beating about the bush will make both of you restless. Learn to have difficult conversations when you want to be steadfast in your commitment. 

Always begin the conversation by addressing your boyfriend with a word of endearment. This will show him that you want to meet him midway rather than breaking into a fight with him. All you crave at this point is an understanding.

#5 Express your feeling 

There is nothing better than expressing your feelings to the ones you love and care about when you know how to express yourself nicely. It can be done in several ways rather than putting it bluntly in a sharp voice. 

Better alternatives to express things that you otherwise hesitate to do in a normal voice are

• Write letters: Go old school and take out a beautiful scroll of paper and a calligraphy pen perhaps, burn the side with a little wax and quote your resentments in a lovely pot of honeyed words. By doing this, your boyfriend will be eager to read the letter and will be able to take the feedback with patience.
• Encrypt your words: Play a brain-fuzzing game with your boyfriend where he gets the cues by performing certain activities. These activities should be targeted to make you spend more time with each other. At the performance of every activity, your boyfriend will get the next clue to solve the riddle. It cannot be very direct as the reward should make him happy. Hence, you can practice reverse psychology over here. Rather than listing the vices, you should put forward the virtues that make you a great pair and shall make him the kind of boyfriend you think you deserve.
• Express it poetically: Sing a song, make him a playlist, and write verses to display your emotion. It could be a fusion of lines from the songs that shows the transition of your emotions and end it with A Thousand Years by Christiana Perri or The Titanic song. This will show your longing for him and want to continue the journey with him forever.

#6 Dig in more

See if your boyfriend's ex is dating someone or not. If she is, it will reduce your worry. Hence, getting complete information in a given situation can prevent it from turning into a crisis. 

You don't need to confront your boyfriend while doing this. Simply dig into social media. You will be able to see his ex's supporters. It will bring you the idea of the ones she cherishes in life or keeps close to herself. 

If you discover something disappointing and find out that your boyfriend has been weaving lies before you to spend more time with his ex, you must confront him. 

If he can validate his reasons with enough credibility, you must end the matter with a stern warning. If he lets the situation get a better hold of him, you must resign from it immediately. Remember, after all this, you don't owe him an explanation.

#7 Plan a staycation with your boyfriend 

To get a break and understand him better, going for a staycation is a great idea. This will keep you close to him around the clock. It will enable you to keep an eye on his activities on whatever he does while making love.

Hence, it will serve a dual purpose. It will keep both of you happy and joyous. It will help to drain off any misgivings that might have the potential to drive you apart. 

A staycation is relaxing. It will clear your minds, and for all you know, your boyfriend might use the opportunity to open up with you and tell you about his feelings wholeheartedly. 

#8 Let him be, give your best 

You cannot alter another person's actions forcefully, for all you know, he might start hiding things from you. Hence, give your best efforts so that he realizes his mistakes naturally. This way, you will earn love and trust in the right sense of the term. 

If your boyfriend feels that the affection is one-sided and you are always more inclined on taking rather than give, he won't appreciate the gesture. You need to make him feel wanted, and appreciate his efforts so that he feels like spending more time with you than with anyone else. 

#9 Take a break 

If the water goes up and you are unable to cope with it, take a break. That is the least you can do to help the situation and take control of your life back. 

Taking the break need not be permanent if your boyfriend understands his mistake and comes back to you. If he doesn't, you are better without him. 

#10 Read and meditate 

To broaden your understanding of man's behavior, and not allow someone's negligence to get the better of you, read more often and meditate. It will enable you to stay calm. 

Most situations will be predictable. You will be able to tell the character of a person by their words, actions, or lack of it. As a result, you will be able to skip the denial phase easily. 

Even if you might lose on people in the beginning, the ones you can keep well are worthy of your space. 

Tips & Life Hacks 

• Life will put you in awkward situations. But you need to ensure that you don’t let those awkward situations get the better of you. You must take every step in your life with confidence. A lack of it would reflect on the hesitancy of wholehearted behavior. 
• Pretending to be okay in a situation when you are not, will not do anybody any good. Instead, if you confess, accept, approve, discuss, and learn to put forward your viewpoints, life will be a cakewalk.
• Maintaining calm and working on listening skills calls for patience and skills. It is not something that you can cultivate overnight. However, when you are headstrong about something, you will realize it isn't difficult either.