Why Your Boyfriend Doesn't Compliment You (And What You Can Do)

My friends Ross and Sarah (names changed) have been in a relationship for ten years now. The beginning of their decade-long romance was as dreamy as a Disney movie. It was all very positive and inspiring. Apart from the textbook romantic gestures, they used to compliment each other about the littlest things. Each time Sarah experienced a minor achievement, Ross made a big deal about it, and vice versa.

Lately, they have been falling apart. The compliments have reduced significantly in the last five years. Affectionate gestures, too, have declined. Sarah has been feeling like Ross has stopped being the boyfriend he once was. The relationship seems like a ghost of its former self.

Okay, so age is a significant factor here. No one retains the same personality for ten years. People change, and that’s a universal truth.

But in this case, Ross changed more than Sarah. The fact that he has stopped complimenting is bugging her. The situation is making her question the credibility of a decade-long relationship (and that is sad).

You are probably in a similar fiasco. That is why you are looking for answers here. Well, in that case, I must say something. All human minds function differently. You might be in a similar situation as Sarah, but that does not mean both of your boyfriends think the same thing.

To know what went wrong in your relationship, we will have to go through a number of possible reasons for his behavior. The more we study the behavioral patterns, the more we will be able to come closer to a solution.

So, what are you waiting for? Let’s begin.

Why doesn’t he compliment you?

Compliments are personal (unless you are at a posh party where people often come up with fake compliments to socialize). Genuine compliments require the speaker to be in a certain mood. It requires them to have certain personalities. A lot of factors work behind that one true compliment that could make your day.

It is okay to expect compliments from your boyfriend when you are in a romantic relationship. However, it will be wise to take the relevant factors into consideration.

We do not always get what we want. Therefore, instead of sulking over what we do not have, we can go on looking for reasons why we are not getting what we want.

Confused?

Well, go through the few reasons I have listed for you.

#1 He does not think compliments are essential to sustain a relationship

You think compliments are necessary in a relationship. That is why the lack of them from your boyfriend is bothering you.

He thinks differently. He thinks compliments are not a necessity. He does not compliment you because, to him, they seem like forced words of endearment. In his mind, the other aspects of a relationship take center stage.

This is a pretty common problem in long-term relationships. As years pass by, people start to undermine the importance of compliments. Compliments here are a form of positive reinforcement. Using them once in a while can make things seem okay.

The human mind is a complex thing. Sometimes, it needs assurance even though you go around saying your relationship stands stronger than ever. The need for compliments is personal, and it should be communicated well. You must let him know how you feel. Otherwise, unsaid words can turn things upside down quickly.

#2 He has taken you for granted

It is as clear as daylight. Your boyfriend has taken you for granted, and that is why he does not compliment you anymore. He does not feel the need to say good things about you.

He probably did all that when you just started dating or when he was trying to woo you. Now that he has you, he thinks sweet words are no longer necessary. He thinks his job is done. He believes you will never leave him. That is reason enough to believe he has taken you for granted.

Such behavior seems like deception when you think about it. He created a particular personality and acted accordingly just in order to get you to like him. He was an entirely different person.

He fooled you in the process. He deceived you into falling for him with the act. He did this probably because he feared that his true nature may not have impressed you.

#3 He does not know a lot of words or nice adjectives to compliment you with

Your boyfriend does not have a way with words. He does not know a lot of words to use in his compliments. He may be fascinated to have you in his life, but when it comes to compliments, he finds himself at a loss of words.

Not all are born with the ability to use language wisely and in a witty fashion. It is an inherent skill or a skill that is developed with practice. The lack of it does not make someone less of a human being.

Your boyfriend has never had the need to get playful with his words. Language, for him, is a way to establish basic communication. Complimenting you would take more than just a few words. It would require him to frame cool sentences with apt adjectives and flowery phrases. That is something that makes him uncomfortable.

In this scenario, your boyfriend not complimenting you does not mean he is not in love with you. He loves you but does not have the vocabulary or ability to say it out loud. Here, the intention matters more than words, and that is something you will have to infer as his partner.

#4 He has fallen out of love or is cheating on you

He probably does not love (or like) you anymore. He does not find you attractive either. For him, the relationship has run its course. There is nothing new to explore. There is no reason for him to compliment you. He has fallen out of love. He wants to step out of this relationship.

Your boyfriend has the right to fall out of love. He can’t be forced to stay in a dead-end relationship. The problem here is that he is not being able to communicate his feelings clearly. He fears how you might react.

The lack of compliments from him is a clear sign in this scenario. You can ask him what is wrong. Encourage him to speak his heart out without fear. You will have to be mature enough to handle whatever comes your way.

Carrying the burden of a burnt-out relationship on your shoulders is not advisable. It will be best if you two part ways amicably. That is what adults do. Being on good terms with your parting boyfriend will save you from impending pangs of heartbreak that often come with a nasty breakup.

There is another reason for this lack of compliments.

Your boyfriend has lost all interest in you because he is seeing someone behind your back. That is why he does not come up with compliments for you anymore. He does not feel the need to do so, as the compliments have already been redirected to someone else. He is probably going to dump you soon (or worse, keep cheating on you).

This is where you do not need to be your cool, understanding self. Confrontation is key in situations like these. Yes, the relationship has run its course, and it seems burnt out, but that does not mean he will choose the path of moral degradation by cheating on you. Such dishonesty in relationships often traumatizes partners on the receiving end (which, in this case, is you).

In both scenarios, your value in his life has been reduced significantly, bringing in the lack of compliments. It is probably your cue to step out of the relationship with dignity and grace.

#5 He is too shy to express himself like that

He knows what to say. He wants to come up with compliments. But he is too shy to express. This shyness is a part of his personality, and most likely, it can’t be changed. It is a package deal. You will probably have to learn to live with it if you really want to be with this guy.

The lack of compliments from him does not mean he does not like you. He has inhibitions about conveying his feelings. This can happen when:

• The relationship is a new one.
• He is dating someone for the first time.
• His past relationships have traumatized him into overthinking.
• He is an introvert.
• He is scared of misinterpretation.
• He has insecurities.
• He lacks self-confidence.
• He has already faced a backlash from you in the past, so he has chosen to be cautious.

#6 He is emotionally unavailable

Not all people are alike. Each person is born with a different emotional quotient. Your boyfriend does not compliment you because he is emotionally unavailable. However, that does not mean he is not in love with you.

The emotional unavailability of a partner can make a relationship bitter.  It can make people question their choices. Relationships are places where we indulge in vulnerabilities. We tend to be our truest selves around our partners. We seek honest compliments from them, and when that does not happen as much as we want, our hearts are filled with disappointment.

Your boyfriend’s emotional unavailability can have several reasons. One of the most prominent ones is associated with his upbringing. Certain harsh parenting practices can make children emotionally unaware. They fail to understand their own emotions, so it is understandable that they won’t understand their partners’.

Stress can bring in emotional unavailability. He is too busy to come up with compliments. Your boyfriend could have been the dreamiest version of himself, but life happened. He probably has no work-life balance. He does not compliment you because he is too busy to think about all that. He probably feels stressed out all day. Coming up with compliments is a luxury in this case. His jam-packed schedule does not leave him much time to come up with sweet nothings for you.

Emotional unavailability can occur when your boyfriend is going through a rough patch in his life. It is difficult for him to compliment you when he is emotionally overwhelmed. He is upset, and these are times when people are the most vulnerable. He probably needs you to be supportive at this juncture.

Relationships should be organic. They essentially do not come with a legal clause that binds your boyfriend to compliment you several times in a given period of time. Compliments should come naturally. You have to account for situations that do not give birth to sweet words of endearment.

#7 You never compliment him about anything or reciprocate his compliments with an apt reaction

Good gestures need reciprocation, especially when they are romantic in nature. Your boyfriend does not compliment you because you have been too cold to reciprocate or come up with a unique compliment for him once in a while.

He wants you to be as attentive as he is. This is a valid demand, as a relationship is a two-way street, where a one-sided display of affection is often frowned upon.

However, this does not necessarily mean he is not in love with you. He may have stopped complimenting you to teach you a lesson. He is going through the same thing ─ the lack of compliments from his partner. He wants you to face a similar plight because he believes that is what will make you do the right thing. He wants nothing but reciprocation.

In relationships, we strive to be equals. A lack of equality occurs when he compliments you, and you do not. It might make him look like a simp, and he is not okay with that. He is not okay with the fact that you are being too egotistic about this. You can’t act like the “better one” in this relationship.

This is not a Petrarchan love sonnet where your boyfriend is supposed to put you on a pedestal and worship you by showering compliments. You two are in this together, and coming to a middle ground will be good for this relationship.

How to make sure he still loves you

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me…

Stop ruining flowers and wasting your time as you keep contemplating why he does what he does. Let them breathe, and instead, you can test whether he still loves you or not.

Compliments are not the only way to show affection. Your boyfriend may have moved past that phase. However, we live in an unfair world where our problems seldom have simple explanations. The skeptical person in you will want to make sure that your boyfriend is still in love.

Well, testing your partner’s love for you is not recommended widely. But you can check out a few things I have specially curated for you. Read on.

#1 First and foremost, he cares for you

We care for the people we love. Your boyfriend will care for you if he loves you. Compliments do not always show a person’s love for you. Their actions do. Compliments can be empty words of endearment that are only sweet to the ears. There are several ways he can show his concern.

• When you fall sick – He is a keeper if he cares for you when you are sick. Taking you to the doctor, helping you with household activities, and making you a cup of soothing tea are a few things a person can do to show their concern for you. These things should be valued more than a few compliments.

• When you are out late at night – Does he call you when you are out late at night? If the answer is “yes,” your boyfriend does that out of concern for your safety. He cares for you and wants you to face no danger.

• When you are upset – If he tries to make you feel good when you are upset, it means he cares for you. Your sadness is making him sad. That is why he is trying to make you happy again. He may cook for you, put on your favorite movie, or take you for a drive. These actions speak more than words and mean more than the compliment you seek.

#2 The thing with parents

Hiding one’s partner from one’s family is a textbook toxic trait. People do that when they are either not sure of the relationship, or they are not serious about their partner. If your boyfriend is unlike the aforementioned, he definitely has feelings for you, and you do not need reassuring compliments from him to stay positive about this relationship.

Here is what this point is all about:

• He is great around your parents – People who are great around your parents are often true about their feelings for you. Think of Chandler’s equation with Monica’s parents, Jack and Judy Geller, from F.R.I.E.N.D.S, or Jake and Mr. Santiago’s interaction from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It was organic and endearing. Unlike Ross’s interaction with Rachel’s dad, Chandler and the Gellers got along well. Similarly, if you find your boyfriend sharing a great equation with your parents, know that he is probably the one. However, there can be exceptions, as there are no rules when it comes to matters of the heart.

• He wants you to meet his parents – Your boyfriend does not want to hide you from his parents. He wants you to know them and to interact with them as one of their own. He wants to include you in the family. This may freak you out a little (if he comes around too strong with these emotions and gestures). However, know that he is only trying to make you a part of his life. This shows (more than a few compliments) that he is serious about you. He probably wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

#3 He gets you THE MOST useful gifts for your birthday

I often hear people complaining that their boyfriend gifted them a bouquet of flowers for their birthday. They complain because they are not happy with the bunch of flowers that will wilt after a while. Know your boyfriend is a keeper if he gets you the most useful gifts for your big day.

Did it ever happen that you were thinking about a particular backpack, and he surprised you with it on your birthday? Or did he take you to that BNB in the hills that you always wanted to visit? If yes, know that he did it because he knows you like the back of his hand. This is nothing but love. These gestures resonate more than compliments that may be over in two sentences.

#4 He trusts you

He is not good with compliments, but he seems to depend on you for certain things. He trusts you completely. You are the rock in his life. Compliments can fade with time, but the act of banking on each other gets enhanced with each passing day. You learn from each other. You start to acknowledge things your partner is good at and vice versa. That is when you know your partner is here to stay. Here are a few instances:

• He shares his secrets with you
• He depends on you for things you are good at
• He seems to trust you with his life
• You are his emergency contact
• He is his truest self around you
• He feels comfortable to cry in front of you
• He seeks your approval in most scenarios

#5 He does adorable little things for you without speaking much

We often look for love in words, sentences, and paragraphs. We feel good when someone says a good thing or two about us to our faces. We feel validated. However, showing love or affection in a relationship does not always have to be verbal (yes, I am talking about the compliments you seek). Love can be shown in non-verbal ways. Here are a few ways your boyfriend may show that he likes you without complimenting you all the time.

• He becomes your Santa during the Christmas holidays
• He cooks your favorite dishes
• He waits for you to watch the newest series on Netflix
• He takes time to watch and respond to all the reels you send
• He clicks aesthetic pictures of you (he probably does that for no other person)
• He eagerly participates in all your crazy “what if” discussions
• He plans his future with you
• He “love reacts” to all your social media posts

#6 He has supported you financially when you were unemployed

This is one of the most important points in the series. Supporting a person financially in today’s world is a task that only a handful are capable of or have the courage to do so. Your boyfriend is a keeper if he ever did that for you when you had no job.

Most of us have faced the pangs of unemployment at least once in our lifetime so far. People who come forward with unconditional financial help in such stressful times of need are the ones who genuinely care for us.

Such a gesture from your boyfriend is worth more than a thousand compliments. He may not have a way with words, but he has a good heart, and you reside in it. His love for you is unconditional. He empathizes with you.

What needs to be done

A romantic relationship does not always mean you have to shower each other with compliments. The idea of togetherness transcends that. Compliments, after a while, lose their effectiveness in a relationship. This happens especially when you are in a serious one. Being there for each other matters the most.

You have the right to be upset over not receiving as many compliments as you want, but you need to think about the aspects of a relationship we have discussed in the previous section. This is what love looks like. This is what love will look like for you guys when you grow old. The companionship will matter more than anything.

Try to understand your relationship.

Try to understand your boyfriend.

Expecting compliments you received from him when you were nineteen will only show your immaturity as an adult. Your relationship holds more surprises than a few occasional nice words that often mean nothing. Here is what you can do instead of sulking over compliments.

Keep scrolling.

• You can start by reacting appropriately to his compliments if and when he comes up with any. Try to match up to his uniqueness. Remember, you two are supposed to be equals in this relationship. The efforts should be equal from both sides. Appreciate what he does for you. Acknowledgment is key here.

• If you do not have a reciprocatory compliment in your mind at that moment, try to initiate a meaningful conversation that is linked to the kind of compliment he came up with. You can talk to him about the future of this relationship. Have a discussion on where you two see each other in a few years. However, remember not to freak each other out with conversations that are a bit too intense. You two can also discuss each other’s likes and dislikes (if you want things to be breezy).

• I know the lack of compliments from him is bugging you. Most people are too proud to ask for reasons, as that might make them look needy and clingy. However, if it means that much to you, ask him why he stopped complimenting you. Maybe that is how you will be able to address the issues in this relationship.

• You can do something nice for him to non-verbally thank him for being in your life. That can bring out a compliment from him. You can cook his favorite meal or take him to his favorite café. You can buy him something he always wanted but never asked for. That will show you know him well and care for him.

• You do not always need compliments to keep the romantic spark alive. He does not compliment you, but he comes up with other romantic gestures. You can keep the fire burning by doing things like traveling together. Plan holidays with your boyfriend. Start ticking on that bucket list you two have been working on, as this is just the right time to do so. Drive across the country. You can visit each other’s hometowns to meet each other’s families (or not). Show him around the places you grew up in. A little dose of nostalgia mixed with cheap cheeseburgers at the local diner is great for revamping your relationship and taking it to the next level.

• Check what is wrong with him. This is applicable when it is unlikely of him not to compliment you. Try to know if he is going through a rough patch. You can ask him directly. However, if his answers are vague or not satisfactory enough, you can ask around his friends or family for a bit of perspective.

• He will never tell you if he is seeing someone else behind your back. That is what cheating means. You will have to find out whether he is cheating on you. The task is difficult, but it can be accomplished by looking for the relevant signs. Depend on your gut feeling in this case, and look for changes in your behavioral patterns. Check if he is hiding things more often than usual. Track his social media activity. Check if he is interested in you by talking about your future plans with him.

• Your boyfriend is not complimenting you, probably because he is upset about something you did. If you know what you did, apologize to make things right. However, it often happens that we do not seem to know what we did if we upset someone unknowingly. In that case, it will be a tough job to make him say what you did to upset him. The apology should come promptly after that.

Tips and life hacks

A few points to be noted:

• Do not pester him for compliments. It makes you look needy.
• Try to understand what your boyfriend is going through.
• Compliments are not the most important aspect of a relationship. People are capable of living without them. True companionship matters more than compliments.
• Reciprocation is key. Put effort into your relationship if you want your boyfriend to do the same.