My Boyfriend Compares Me to His Ex (Is It Normal?)

Every relationship is unique and nobody can ever take the place that the other has set for himself or herself. This is how people are expected to consider sentiments and special values attached to their companionship. But things may not turn out as they are expected because there is no specific rule here. 

Seeing your partner constantly comparing you to his ex is humiliating, upsetting, and reproachable and yet there is no 'foul' in the game of emotions. It arouses challenges that are difficult to ward off alone and again you cannot be a silent patient anymore bearing the wounds.

So here we come to help you with the unseen shades of the canvas, so that from now on you master the art of keeping your sanity back in place with dignity.

Reasons why your boyfriend compares you with his ex

We see actions but we don't wish to see the contributing forces behind them. Therefore we make assumptions and invite troubles and sufferings for ourselves. The comparison comes when there are unsolved issues acting as the driving factors. If you need a genuine solution, you must zero in on the roots that might be lying low in the background. 

Human behavior is mysterious and often deceiving. Before you judge someone or something, you must be aware of its entirety. In case you are still in the dark, here is the backstory shared in detail. Read them in and out to let us help you to help yourself.

#1 He hasn't got over his breakup

We often rush things in order to avoid our own dysphoria regarding some past experiences that are not very great to cherish. By following our impulses we get into a fresh engagement without giving much thought to the possible ramifications. As a result, you would see there is a very short gap between the breakup with the ex-partner and the new commitment with someone else. 

The time in between doesn't allow us to process the inner turmoil and unrest that resulted from the previous episode of the romantic relationship. We still have to carry the ruins and the residual punch of despair into ourselves. These misplaced emotions look for exposure. They ooze out in a misshapen form of behavior while we interact with our present partner. 

Whether we do it consciously or not, it hurts our partners and they feel insecure and less confident about their presence in our lives. Maybe, your boyfriend falls into the same pattern. Whenever he compares you to his ex, in a way he is expressing that remaining amount of unhealed heartache in an unusual way. 

At other times, he is sweet, he is kind, and he is the most caring boyfriend one can ever ask for. But there is this one single snap. He brings back his ex into the conversations and goes on comparing you to her. Despite the virtues that earn him your respect and heartfelt love, he is always one step behind being perfect. Moreover, it questions the credibility of his devotion and loyalty to you. 

Perhaps he hasn't been able to take his attention off the breakup as easily as everyone thought. He still feels pained about the unprecedented split-up and mourns within. And if it was a deep-rooted relationship between your boyfriend and his ex, the damages would take time to dissipate and a part of him would still be stuck in the past until then.

Before the hangover thins out, possibly he would draw comparisons or mention his ex before you as the usual reaction to his suppressed grievances. You should mark that this is one of the possibilities and the reason may vary. Try to study him well before you jump into anything whimsical. 

#2 He wants to see you as her replacement 

In every sphere of life, people are spoilt for choices. They have multiple options to settle for. Unfortunately the same goes for our personal lives as well where we are pretty comfortable with the theory of replacement. 

We do not wait, brood, or hold back ourselves for something that doesn't exist anymore. We seem to search for new opportunities, new possibilities, and new beginnings. In the process, we often ignore what's still there in us that needs to be resolved.

Pause for a second and look back on the time and circumstances when you two had hit off the relationship. There is an invisible thread lingering in him that your boyfriend couldn't see then. Feelings do not evaporate just at the fall of a hat. They keep bothering the core until there is an outburst.

He might want to see you as the spitting image of his ex. To be more specific, he wanted you as the replacement for his ex whom he hasn't parted with emotionally. His unmet expectations may want to be well-met with his current partner. This is why he has set unrealistic expectations from you and whenever you do not act accordingly he places you on the same platform as his ex and tries to make you follow the trail.

No one can be happy being treated as an option or substitute for someone else. It's extremely disgraceful to be loved because of a quality that is not yours. You must be in an endless loop to be constantly juxtaposed with someone who happens to be your boyfriend's ex. It's like a shameful defeat because you cannot expect to live under her shadow and be loved. 

The best thing to do is to stay who you truly are. You are one of a kind and if your boyfriend doesn't appreciate that let him learn that or else waste no more emotions on a person who has a half-hearted commitment toward you.

#3 He has been upset with his present relationship

You are upset with your boyfriend whenever he seems to see you through the same lens as his ex. We know it's discomfiting. But can't we be a little more liberal in judging our close ones? Self-criticism might take you down the less traveled roads of facts that you should have noticed long before the trouble set off.

You may be happy to define your relationship as a perfect one, while beneath the surface there might be frustration and a mound of rancorous feelings that need to be addressed first of all. They often go unnoticed because we do not love to see ourselves guilty of hurting others' emotions. We love to play the victim and hate to be confronted. 

The story may be somewhat different from what we devise by ourselves. You are supposed to be equally certain about what your boyfriend is going through or whether he is a worse sufferer in this instance. People feel distressed in their current relationships in such a way that they are forced to make comparisons between two individuals and two separate situations. 

Always make room for assessing the role you play with a similar magnitude that you invest while finding out the reasons and clues about your partner's misdemeanor. It may unravel some events where you failed miserably as a girlfriend which left your boyfriend struggling and lost. He might be less vocal about the disappointment he's been subjected to, yet they played the part in a harmful and unhealthy way.

Increasing resentment and disagreements often give rise to irritability or make you feel distant. Either your partner has silenced his confined emotions or he expresses them by hitting on your soft spots and comparing you to his former girlfriend. 

If there is an underlying desolation or endless misunderstandings regarding his current relationship with you, you need to be conscious and cautious about how you would treat his vulnerabilities and provide him the space to suck out the unsettled niggles. 

There is no such thing as an ideal relationship, but the least and best you can do is to hone on your imperfections to make it a better one.

#4 He doesn't want to repeat the history

Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, and fear of being reminded of our awful past determine most of our current actions. We are dominated by those acid truths of the days that were no short of nightmares. Again our subconscious mind dictates and motivates the way we would react to our loved ones in the later days.

The negative experiences with our ex-partners somehow make us scared of repeating similar things with people we share a relationship with. 

Your boyfriend is probably broaching his ex's name and making seemingly unnecessary comparisons simply to point out the major pitfalls that led to their breakup so that you can stay away from repeating that same poisonous history. It's because he treasures his present relationship with you and never affords to lose you for anything.

There could be trust issues, betrayal, or poor communication with his ex that have left him cocooned with a strange alarming fright. He fears alienation and wants you to visualize his anxiety by portraying two parallel conditions. It is merely his attempt to save his present commitments from going down the tubes.

Past traumas play corrosive roles sometimes in your partner's life which eventually make way for unexpected comparisons. In the context of your current relationships, they might prove to be negatively impactful. But you need to consider the ground realities that your boyfriend is hoping you to perceive. Take them as the trigger points he wants both of you to be alert about. 

#5 He wants to make you jealous

It is kind of a power game that many of the guys love to play with their partners to take control of them. Everyone knows that jealousy tickles us when we see it getting the better of our mates. So that's a deliberate act of comparing you to his ex-partner to see your jealous face reddened before them.

Some men are of the notion that a simple reference to their past relationship or their former girlfriends might ensure their dominance over their current mates. In order to secure the assurance they showcase their exes as exemplary figures in front of their ladies. They take pleasure in seeing you flinch with envy every time he takes his ex's reference.

Jealousy is an expression that is born out of the fact that someone is immensely interested in you. So your partner may believe it to be empowering to take a prolonged glance at you when you are peppered with possessiveness. It's like a sign of disapproval that you are not going to share his present or past with anyone but yourself. 

Assuming that you are a pushover to be easily pricked, your boyfriend may bring up a few examples from his past that show how wonderfully he used to communicate with his ex or they read each other's minds. Or in some cases, you might hear him speaking highly of her sense of humor or understanding nature. If that rubs you the wrong way, he knows his words have hit home.

#6 He idealizes his ex

Not all relationships culminate in a happy ending with a union of two souls, some remain as vague chapters that we try to push into a state of oblivion. But they never say permanent goodbyes and stay as a half-baked dream with gaping scars. We move on because we have to, yet we leave a piece of our emotional story in that very past.  

It's possible that your boyfriend doesn't happen to be the one who initiated the breakup. He was just on the receiving end where he had to accept reality like a mute animal, helplessly punished by someone he trusted. Despite this, he could not turn away completely from his ex. He might still wish to console himself with false ideas about his ex's character. 

Chances are there, he expects the same from you. By stating her qualities or putting two of you in the same bracket he may be trying to convey his own belief about his old flame. It may make you feel low on self-esteem, but his visions are likely being blinded by the glorified impression of his former counterpart.

If he still thinks that they had broken up because some unavoidable compulsions forced his ex to walk away from him, he may be secretly adoring and idealizing his ex as an epitome of goodness. It probably doesn't indicate that he is disloyal to you, but neither does it affirm that he has moved past his former partner.

Here you must act strictly yet calmly to state your own place and priority in his life. Remind him that he who follows two hares catches neither. He has to be ready to dedicate himself wholeheartedly, without hesitation and without confusion to either of you as a shared love story is not worth a single penny.

#7 He still loves his ex

You cannot completely drop the idea that your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, which is why he can't stop mentioning her whenever he finds an apt occasion. It might seem like a closed chapter to you before but with all the changing languages of your relationship, you cannot help feeling unsure about your partner's feelings toward you.

When a person is badly and savagely hurt by a vicious past, they try to escape. Most of the time, this escape is expected to be found around a specific person or an alternate relationship that would deviate him from his debilitating experience. They try to cling on to that one person with a faint hope of recuperation, a recovery that would straighten things up. 

They want immediate release of their bleak emotions with reassurance and support from a new engagement that would act as an antidote to their wretched miseries. Often are they mistaken for a feeling of romantic attachment or love. But in reality, this infatuation period is fugitive and short-lived.

It is also possible that going into another relationship could be an intentional display to portray a happy life with someone else. But deep down he is still sobbing for his ex-companion. Many a time these are thoughtless and less-meditated actions without the purpose to hurt you. But the truth gets unmasked as soon as you start taking notice of the frequent comparisons he makes between you and his ex. 

With a disarrayed state of mind, you may not find the answer with ease. In that event, look for the signs that might help you get a direction like,

• He compliments his ex before you holding her image as an ideal one. This is in all probability an indirect sign that he is comparing you to his ex in a denouncing air.

• He stalks them on social media platforms and refuses to block them. It won't be always a coincidence if he copies the same things in his own life, visits similar places, or buys you identical gifts he saw her posting on her virtual media.

• He gets shockingly rude to you sometimes when you bring up his ex's name or badmouth her.

• He never stops comparing you to his ex which generates a lack of confidence and insecurity in you that he never bothers to consider. And they are almost always deprecative about you. For example, 

"You did a good job, but my ex would have done it in the best way." 

Or

"This is a wonderful gift sweetheart. But I must admit, my ex used to be a pro at choosing clothes for me. She was just perfect!"

Or

"You shouldn't have behaved this way. My ex would never do that if she were in your place."

• He calls you frequently by his ex's name and tries to laugh it off in a lighthearted tone by saying it has been a mistake. Mistakes are fine but if they are consistent, consider that something might be brewing under the veil.

#8 He wants you to know how it feels to be compared

One of the bittersweet tricks to make you taste your own fruits is to boomerang the same words to you. Try and remember any of the incidents when you might have done the same thing to your boyfriend. Perhaps, you can figure out why he has grown this unpleasant habit of comparing you to his previous girlfriend.

Maybe you have been willing to discuss stuff related to your past relationship or ex-partner with your present boyfriend without any ill intentions. For that, references from the old days have been taken, and you always sounded comfortable sharing them with him. Unfortunately, you too skipped something momentous i.e. his emotional backbone. It has been shattered in the same sickening way too many times before you take things seriously.

He has been a quiet guy to withstand those comparisons. But now he decided to play the lone hand on them by hurting you with your own knife. He wants you to know how painful it is to be compared to someone as unwanted as your partner's ex. 

Irrespective of gender, people who are mainly the victims of slights coming from their mates in a relationship become vengeful. They make up their mind to treat their partners in a way that would serve as an eye-opener. 

Comparing him to your ex was an offensive and objectionable behavior he wanted you to realize. So he tries to look as casual as you used to be while mentioning the ex. He is just being the typical guy who would punish you to stop you from punishing him. Psychologists around the world have termed it as a defensive yet not-so-harmful practice.

Ideal responses when your boyfriend compares you to his ex

Everyone has a past. When they step into the present it's sensible to let the past fade out. If your partner dwells on the past and loves to reflect on the figments of the time that is already gone it will surely pack a hard punch on your emotional foundation. You need to be unapologetically expressive about the actions that are constantly putting you down. There is no middle path in this case. 

Go by the rules of thumb discussed in the following section of the article to observe, judge, and respond when you are being compared to your boyfriend's ex.

#1 Show him you are not pleased

Your boyfriend gels with you quite well and you have no complaints about it. But things become complicated when he starts uttering his ex's name and gives her examples for no possible reason. You get awkwardly quiet to hear him showering indirect praises on her. But he cannot read your silence, nor can he sense the rising tension in you which is almost palpable. 

Well, if he errs in identifying your discomfort and goes on harping on the same string, hit on something clever to point out your unsaid objection to him. Take the help of your body language and physical gestures to show that you are displeased. If you intend to put an end to this drama once and for all, this will be only the beginning. 

Induce questioning thoughts into him so that he can get the hint beforehand. The minute he names his ex or compares you to her, don't hide your discomfort. Communicate the uneasiness through your facial expression. Let him notice that you fall silent or stop meeting his eyes at the reference to his ex. You get disgusted and you have every right to demonstrate the annoyance that drapes over not only your mind but also your face.

Don't overdo it because that may turn him against you. If he truly loves you, he should get the trigger alert perfectly on time. The sudden changes in your countenance should be enough to convey that you are disconcerted and do not love to be compared to his ex.

#2 Say it directly to him

Your significant other may not be an apt reader of the nuanced gestures you thought would work nicely and sufficiently. Either he doesn't bother to validate your insecurities or he lacks the sensitive eye to catch the hints. As far as your relationship is concerned, you need to take care of the rest. Say it outright that you can not approve of such words or actions that breed unhealthy repercussions.

Direct interaction is the best channel to track down the emotional surplus and deficit. Talk to him like a friend and listen to his motives like an understanding partner. He may need to project a different explanation to justify the comparisons he draws. It might be purely due to his desire for improvement in your nature, or simply to tease you around.

Communication requires the involvement of both people. So make it happen to allow both of you to speak. Calm, thoughtful, and balanced conversations will clarify doubts, provide an opportunity to know each other and clear the dark patches of distancing emotions. 

There is no wrong with having expectations from your partner as long as they are realistic. Your boyfriend needs to accept the fact that unexpected comparisons will gain you nothing but a lack of trust and respect. In the context of your relationship, nobody is welcome to poke a nose. Do not permit an outsider to act as a third wheel. The loss will be faced by none but the partners who are concerned.

#3 Share your sore spots with him

You are in a relationship that is supposed to be open, strong, and transparent. It should be like an innocent friendship where you both can let loose your troubled souls without worrying much about the reactions of the other. That also entails mutual admiration and readiness to contribute your absolute best to create a vibe of agreeable exchanges of private sentiments.

You have sore spots with any kind of discussion about your partner's ex, which is completely valid. Your boyfriend must acknowledge that you may not prefer to hear past references without feeling disturbed. It does upset people and it would do the same if he were to be compared in the same way. 

Nobody is born with the skill to know everything about their partners. It's one of your responsibilities to make yourself familiar with him by sharing your likes and dislikes. Expose your flimsiness regarding everything related to his ex. Let him know that these subjects put you through a distressing trial. 

Express zero tolerance for his willingness to compare you to his ex. Now it is his responsibility to make sure not to initiate anything that may damage your emotional health. He has to be a little more responsive to your needs and discreet about when and where to stop.

#4 Set boundaries

It's important to set some no-compromise rules for the two of you. Ask him to highlight the healthy aspects of your relationship. Your partner may be unknowingly giving importance to his ex by comparing her to his present girlfriend. To stop him right there, you need to discuss things bluntly.

Boundary is essential in every relationship. Nobody is allowed to trod on the mark of demarcation that would tag him as an intruder. Stating the points of discomfort is vital. Put them into the right words by telling him,

"You can't be so insensitive to me. Let me tell you, your habit of comparing me to your ex is not acceptable and I am not ready to take this extra baggage from your past. I am your present and our relationship simply means none but two of us."

If things do not change and he keeps on mentioning his former partner, snap him in the middle next time when he is about to start and say,

"If you continue with these unpleasant comparisons any further, I must say you need to go back to your ex or plead with her to come back. I'm not into any filthy competition with your ex. Unless you learn to respect my emotions and value your present relationship, I won't be able to commit myself, especially to someone who turns a deaf ear to my feelings."

Settle for drills that are beneficial for both of you. Come to an agreement that neither of you would drag your past relationships to each other and prioritize your present with the utmost sincerity.

#5 Give him time to heal

Some realizations dawn on us as time fleets by and we grow into mature beings with clearer visions about right and wrong. Change doesn't appear overnight with a wink of an eye. It requires a process of continuity and the supportive shoulders of our beloved. 

Memories of breakup and previous relationships do not go away instantly. It takes years of patience and struggle to stay immune to the people and their malevolence. The healing process needs a specific period to come into effect. Until then, you possibly need to be patient in reacting to whatever sounds unsuitable to your partner. 

Flashes from our past are like demons that love to hound us till the time we decide to hit back. If our own people do not bear with us during this difficult phase, we can't help ourselves either. This won't be unfair if he expects you to forgive him for his irrational comparisons sometimes. Give him time to keep track of his own blunders and understand the potential byproducts of it.

Talk about your own future, things that make both of you happy, and engage his attention in positive memories of your current relationship. Love him so much that it fills him with everything he waited for so long.

#6 Reanalyse the status of your present relationship 

Your partner could be yet to overcome the previous phase with his ex. But life has gone far ahead. His actions prove he hasn't moved an inch from some special affections that are still bothering his inner self. Under such a tumultuous state of psychological crisis, you may find yourself unwanted in your boyfriend's life.

Your relationship matters since it was not meant to be a casual hookup. If he cannot deny his ex's existence in the current situation, your relationship, dare I say, is at stake. It merely served as a means to an end. Your partner can't be a part of your future if he doesn't embrace the present with you. 

One small corner of his heart will always be reserved for his ex. But you deserve much more, you deserve an absolute submission which you will be thoroughly deprived of. After all your attempts and conversations, if he doesn't want to change himself, you have to make a hard choice. Make a fair deal with him by saying,

"I know it's not easy for you to leave your past behind, but this is equally true that I cannot be a part of a love that is divided between me and your ex. Either you live in the past and leave me out of it, or leave your past and live this moment with me. You just can't have them both."

The overall interest of your relationship depends on how strongly both of you wish to grow as a couple, and that requires the same amount of priority from each of you.

#7 Seek professional help

We are men of flesh and blood. We may not be capable enough to deal with the complexities of emotions. At times we act foolishly or insensibly and seem to be strangers to ourselves. Occasional challenges become so overwhelmingly powerful that we barely manage to react tactfully. 

We lack the ability to stay unsinkable all the time and need an expert's opinion to tame our own wild thoughts. Therapy is like a medication that lulls us into a peaceful calm when we can distinguish light from the darkness. It teaches you to save yourself and your precious peace of mind. You finally untie the ropes from your limitations and move free. 

Take sessions with a therapist who can talk out the issues and help you tidy up the emotional mess. They have the trained qualities to enlighten your ideas so that you can recondition your mind to accept, ignore, and react to certain things. Professional counseling by experienced therapists would guide you on when to draw the curtains and when to drive open the windows. 

When you lay your heart bare to your shrink, it will come back as a ray of reassurance and optimism, and everything around you will suddenly feel right and safe. They would simply share the secret mantra to prioritize your happiness over every single negative force and earn the last smile of victory over all the naysayers. 

Quick tips

Before finishing off, flip through the quick tips to abide by in response to the comparisons your partner makes between you and his ex.

• Respond with poise when your partner starts comparing you to his ex. Anger and agitation will gain you nothing fruitful. Be specific about your needs in a benign way.

• Never let doubts about self-worth get on your nerves. Don't forget that these comparisons cannot identify your uniqueness and individuality. Stay confident of the person you are.

• Invite him to an open conversation to ensure communication on your fears, conflicts, and delicate spaces that should be handled with care.

• Try to understand his versions and listen to his internal furor. Maybe he too is tormented and trying to communicate with you.

• Call it a quit if he stays indifferent to the issues that are taking your sleep off. Don't lose your mind for a person who has been inconsiderate of your sentiments. You don't need to bask in reflected glory as you can very well shine with your inner glow.