My Ex-Boyfriend Wants Me Back but He Hurt Me (Reasons & How to Deal)

We don't give the unworthy second chances lest the joke be played on us. If you broke up with your ex because he hurt you, the only reason, why he might chase you, is to hurt you more. 

The guy might be too sadistic to realize this. He might call it love. He can't understand how you can live without him. Hence, he has accepted this as a challenge to come running after you and haunt you if need be. 

In this blog post, I'll help you understand why your ex-boyfriend wants you back even when he hurts you and what you should do about it. 

Keep reading to know more. 

Reasons why your ex-boyfriend wants you back 

He has a confused obsession with love. The most important quality of love is liberation but when you are obsessed with someone, you tend to call them yours and shackle them down. A lack of understanding makes your ex helpless and he blames the events for the breakup.

Read below to find out more.

#1 He is obsessed with you 

Ross was more obsessed with Rachel than in love with her. It is only when she begins to date another guy does he realize how much he longs for her. The case worsens when Rachel dates Ross’s closest friend Joey or when she decides to be a single mother bearing Ross’s child.

If you have watched the most popular American sitcom FRIENDS, you know what I am talking about. Monica and Chandler, on the other hand, become the prototype of an ideal couple. They do everything right and there is growth in their relationship. The dynamics that they share stand unmatched in the show.

Think of these two pairs again and think about yourself with your ex-boyfriend. Which pair do you align with or reflect more in the behavior? 

If it is the former, you will find the following events taking place in your relationship:

• There is no privacy or secret about the two of you. Your friend circle and everyone who sees you knows about you. You never took time to process the whole thing and take it one step at a time. The moment either of you figures out that the other one is also crushing on you, you rushed into the relationship.
• There are no banger scenes or something extraordinary and glorious here. You hardly pay any effort to walk the extra mile for the other. You have been in the relationship so easily that you take each other for granted.
• You make jokes about each other’s intimate gestures in public. There is no embarrassment for anything. You are not shielding each other as much as you are exposing one another. 
• Your love equation breaks or fails with every turn of events and you find yourselves relapsing into square one. There is hardly any grieving period involved here.

On the contrary, if your behavior and conduct replicate with Monica and Chandler, you will notice the following:

• You were surprised to have discovered feelings for one another you had never quite looked at each other in that light. The discovery brings you comfort and at the same time, seeps in a feeling of possessiveness which makes you want to shield and protect each other as well as the relationship from the world. 
• You are as good a friend as you are a partner. There are days when you prove to be better friends than partners. Your bond of friendship enables you to take serious situations light-heartedly. You can fight all the challenges including jealousy, insecurity, or distance harmlessly. Neither of you allows it to take a toll on yourself.
• You love to engage in family planning. You do everything right. You motivate each other in career paths and decision-making. Whatever you do, you do it together. You also make room for important people in the life of your partner to make them feel at home. You don’t boast about it but take it as your duty. It eventually becomes your pride.
• The jokes are kept for your bedroom. You don’t very often engage in insulting your partner or their shortcomings even before the closest of friends. There is no hypocrisy at play here.

If you make up the first pair, no matter how many times you play the breakup and let’s get together again game, you will remain disappointed and less happy than you would have been had you chosen a partner like the latter. Remember, it all comes down to the choices you make. Your choice and decisions should be well thought out and planned rather than being hurried into.

#2 He is vulnerable 

Perhaps your ex-boyfriend shared too much of himself with you while you were dating. He kept himself as an open book before you. Now that he thinks of it, it scares him to think that you know so much about him while whatever little you might have shared with him might not even be true.

One reason for wanting to get you back is to extract more information about you so that he finds himself even with you. If the purpose is merely that and he is not interested in seriously dating you, he will try to hurt you time and again to make you feel how his wounds hurt him. 

He blames you for the misery that he feels he has been put in because of you. He wants to avenge the wrongs. He is an unhappy fellow and the worst part of being unhappy is that he cannot see others happy.

In such a scenario, you must collect yourself and tell yourself that you can handle this. You need to be stronger than the force against which you are fighting the battle. It will buy you stronger chances to win.

#3 He might be feeling lonely 

Your ex-boyfriend might be having one of those days when he is just down and low. He feels lost and it floods back all the memories of the times spent with you. It takes him back to the dark quarters where he cannot stay very long by himself. His wits are not at their best. He gets overwhelmed with apprehension and fear.

He stalks your social media pages and looks at you blooming in all wonders. The moment is bittersweet. He feels happy and sad at the same go. He feels that you don’t deserve to be happy or content all by yourself after causing such degradation in his lifestyle. His character and conduct with others have undergone a tremendous change and he doesn’t feel like being in his person.

He seeks escapism from the immediate reality, picks up his phone, and dials your number. He expresses his innate desire to go back with you and start afresh all over again as if nothing ever happened between the both of you. But the pain besets his expectations and he gets volatile and rude. He tells you how he wishes you never find love in your life. His words are so harsh and bitter that it pierces sharply through your skin. You are instantly very sad and you blame yourself for doing this to him. You look everywhere for light but find yourself in gloomy darkness harrowed by the ghosts of the past and are left with a guilty conscience.

In such moments of utter desolation and desperation, you need to have your back and tell yourself that you were innocent because you were an amateur and you did what you thought was the best at that moment. Now there is nothing much that can be done but to keep moving on rather than looking back or halting to trace your footsteps.

#4 He might have realized his mistake 

If your ex-boyfriend was living in some kind of bubble and blaming you for all the damage he thought you had caused or initiated, he might have finally discovered the reality and is back to repent for his faults. He wants to make amends but his words have been so harsh that you cannot believe he is the same guy you are talking to. 

You are not alone on the ship here. The damage has been sustained by many. The point is, if you have moved on in your life and are in a better place, much happier than you were ever with him, there is no use wasting your time in either humoring or reconsidering his words and actions.

When something will not bring you happiness, why delve into it at all? Life is better without some people. Admitting them in your life had been the wrong decision which you have repented for a long time. There is no reason why you should drain your energy any further on the same line of thought. Wish them good luck and ask them to move on.

#5 He might be feeling nostalgic 

He lives by recollecting the stories of the past. He fails at letting go of people or memories. This might be the case when your ex-boyfriend is a poet or an author. He has made poetics out of his life. His source of inspiration is you. 

He might be longing to live those moments again. Hence, the attempt to contact you or to get himself a pass into your life. Perhaps if it is possible for you, you can give him company for a while. Laughing at the mistakes of the past over a cup of tea or a scoop of ice cream might not be that bad a choice after all.

#6 He is afraid he will lose you or might be jealous of your new relationship

He wants to secure you before you move on to someone else. He needs to be sure that you are only his. He is behaving like a naive person who doesn’t understand the implication of a breakup.

In such a situation, you don’t have many choices to choose from. It is either you block him and warn him to not bother you otherwise you will be forced to undertake legal actions or you talk to him and help him to get out of this phase. 

That way, it will be somewhat easier for him and though it might be difficult for you, there will be the comfort that the previous years or the time that you had invested in building up a relationship with him was not after all neither a complete waste nor a living lie.

What to do when your boyfriend wants you back?

It depends upon what you feel about your ex-boyfriend and where in life are you standing currently. If you are already committed, it means that you have moved on well in your life. If you have latent feelings for your ex, he may be aware of the same. 

Your ex is running his fingers on your nerves and trying to win the game. However, even if you melt by his words, there are some strong pointers that you should take into consideration before you decide to move on or start all afresh with him. 

Continue reading below to know more.

Things to consider before making move

#1 Spend some time thinking about what you want 

Sit with a pen and a piece of paper to perform this exercise. Brainstorm and clear your head before anything else happens. Divide the columns into pros, cons, and neutral. The next step is to measure the pros and cons to figure out if giving it another shot is indeed worth it. 

Even if the pros outdo the cons, think again to figure out if the pros are indeed needed and would be beneficial in the long run. Even if it does, is there no outward source that can help you to gain it without keeping your ex in your immediate vicinity?

Understand here that while one should provide second opportunities to people, they should not be handed over that easily. The pain, the need, the requirement, the thirst for it, and the readiness to take lengths to repent for one’s mistakes should be obvious. Anything else or anything less is not worth it.

#2 Do you still love him? 

This is a very important point to be taken into consideration. If you still have feelings for him, perhaps you would be tempted to give it a shot. But if you have mixed feelings, or you find yourself perplexed, standing in a dark horizon where you feel that your life is not under your control, you must do everything in your capacity to stay as far away from him as possible.

Memories and moments from the past might bring you rejoice in the present but the source and the people might not. It is very important to understand the logic behind this and work in this direction in such a way that your life is all clear about what’s happening and what’s not. It is you who needs to make up your mind and sort that out.

#3 Can you forgive him for what he did? 

Whatever has been the past sequence of events and the pain inflicted on you by him, is it worth it? Can you forget him for what he did? It becomes the question of the hour. When elements are holding you back because you know one more stroke of blow in this aspect might prove fatal to your mental health, you don’t even glance in that direction.

Forgiveness is a virtue but forgetting or repeating the same mistakes is not. It will become a pattern and you will regret it sooner or later. Also, there is no guarantee that their innate character has changed. Hence, think twice before you make your call. 

First, perhaps meet and spend time with him like you are meeting for the first time. And take it slow. Rather than rushing into it at once, go one step at a time. Become friends, observe, and then make your decision.

#4 Are you ready to move on? 

If you decide that you don’t want to give this a chance, then what has been holding you back from dating another? If you are firm that you don’t want this in your life, dump him for good. Get active on the dating scene again and look for someone worth your time. Your ex will get a strong message from this. He might finally decide to not bother you at all.

#5 Talk to your friends and family about what is going on 

Seeking help or advice from your close circle or informing and updating them about what is going on in your life is not that bad a deal. They have the right to stay informed. It will act as a bonus because if in the future they try to contact your family, you will not freak out. After all, they are already aware of everything. 

Your family is your support system. Taking them in confidence is beneficial for you in the long run. Hence, stay wise and keep things in a way that even if the equation is reversed, there is no harm in the long run.

#6 Seek outside help 

When you are not comfortable talking to your immediate circle about the crisis that you might be facing, there is no harm in taking outside help. This outsider could be an advisor, a counselor, a therapist, or someone with the procurement of such an authorization certificate that your case with them will be confidential.

This will enable you to relax on that front and clear out your mind. Remember, nobody knows the solution better than you. It is all about opening up the right avenue to go about things altogether. You are talking to yourself through others and it leads you in the right direction. 

If you decide to get back together 

When you have made up your mind and have decided to get along again because there is nothing else in the world that you want more earnestly, go for it. Problems will occur but as long as they don’t take up a pattern, you can always use the power of two brains together to fight for something better.

How to go about this, read below to find out.

#1 Express your feelings  

When you decide that you want to give this another try, talk about what you need from him to make the relationship work. Dictate the roles clearly so that he knows what are the basic requirements of the role that he wants to undertake. There is no reason to feel shy or uneasy in stating your requirements. This should be a list of the bare minimum which will enable you to work this out very efficiently. 

#2 Set boundaries 

People usually are scared off by the use of the words boundary. However, what these people fail to realize is how long this can go in helping you cultivate a healthy relationship. The moment you can practice setting boundaries, and effectively following them, you will realize that there is nothing more empowering than this. 

Perhaps prepare a template in your mind based on which you must set down the goals and boundaries. The first thing on the list should address the deal-breakers. You must not only express your side of insecurities and fear but also encourage him to open up in that direction so that there is no confusion in the future.

#3 Take things slow 

Even if you want to get back together, don’t let the zeal take so much of you that you rush into everything and take a leap of faith while jumping and gaming up your equation with your ex. Merely declaring that “I’m game!” does not help in such situations. 

The only way to know that he is serious and that your heart wants it, you must take it slowly ahead. This will test patience, commitment, dedication, and stability. It is important to see that neither of you changes heart later, and the only way to ensure it is by taking it one step at a time rather than indulging in something grand all at once.

#4 Make sure he understands what he did wrong. 

Your ex needs to have a strong understanding of the reasons which led to the deal breaker in the first place. If he doesn’t acknowledge his mistakes, it won’t be easy to go about with him. Hence, to ensure proper functioning and understand that you are on the same page with him, make him confess his shortcomings and how he promises to make them right. 

If you decide to move on 

If you have made up your mind that there is no looking back, no giving second opportunities, and move on towards new prospects and spaces that will boost your performance, make it as verbal and gestural as possible. He must not have any iota of doubt that he cannot pull you back into his life. 

How to do this? Read below to find out. 

#1 Keep the door closed 

Tell him you don’t do second chances. Don’t let the free pass to anyone just like that. It is okay if others find you rude. They don’t know your story, and you are not looking for sympathy. You are a bold and headstrong woman who can get back on her feet. You have the strength to put on the fight for your right and you don’t get easily scared.

#2 Start dating someone else

If you do feel the longing to have someone in your life who makes things convenient for you to deal with, perhaps be active on the dating platform again. This has dual benefits as besides finding you a partner in the capacity of a friend who will be there with your ups and lows, it will demotivate your ex to chase you any further. 

#3 Remind him of the pain 

It is okay to confront your ex and remind him of the pain that he had inflicted upon you. Make him embarrassed and so shameful that he doesn’t dare to ask you out again. Taunt, torture, use satire when making conversations, and don’t wait for a moment before making him feel down, ambushing his moral conscience for not functioning properly. Be the bad*ss so that he thinks a million times not just before trying to approach you but any other woman in life. 

#4 Block him 

Show him his position. He doesn’t even deserve to be on your friend list. Throw him out of your life for good. Blocking is the most convenient way to show a person how much they have disappointed you. The only condition here is that you are firm in your decision and that you will not regret doing this or try to look back again.

#5 Spend time on what you love doing 

You are an independent woman who doesn’t need human support or shoulders to keep you going. You can easily pet a dog or work for companionship. It will bring you more happiness, satisfaction, and joy than you can imagine.

Working on your habits, and building your hobbies will keep you busy doing something that satisfies you. You will be passionate about your work. Eventually, you will see yourself creating a happy nature and environment about you. It will refrain from any negative thoughts to hamper your growth.

Tips and life hacks 

1. Don’t let your ex-boyfriend manipulate you. You need to understand that he has spent quality time with you, and knows you inside out. Your weakness and vulnerable spots are clear to him. Hence, he already has an upper hand over you over the new people you might admit in your life. You must not give him the benefit of the doubt. 
2. Trust your gut because sometimes the best course is to follow your instincts. There is no other way to put this. It will eventually lead you to the right path if it doesn’t do it all at once. Moreover, even if you fail, the sense of regret will not be there to dwarf you down. You will be able to stand up for your actions.
3. Don't rush into anything because hasty work is not a masterful skill. People run into making life-changing decisions because they are always running away from something or the other. When you are steadfast in your commitments and actions, you will naturally live and lead a better life than others.
4. Second opportunities are not meant for all, so don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you will give it another try, it will get right. You need to work continuously as a team to make it right regardless of the situation and circumstances. See if your ex is up for it. Don’t ask him this but judge him on the basis of his actions.