Dealing with a Boyfriend who Makes You Insecure about Your Looks

Scenario one (Trigger warning: body shaming, toxic relationship)

Jane (name changed) is a little on the healthier side. She has been in a relationship with Joe (name changed) for two years now. Joe does not like the fact that Jane is not putting any effort into losing her weight.

Jane, however, likes how she looks. She loves food, and her job does not leave her much time to work out. She does not enjoy working out anyway. She likes having her mental health in place. A box of takeout on her table, movies on her TV, and a cozy blanket on her couch after a busy day at work is her happy place. It is something she looks forward to.

Jane likes experimenting with her clothes. She has bought a new monokini for her beach vacation, which is coming up in two weeks. She wanted to show the outfit to Joe, and when she did, she faced some snide remarks from him. He said, “Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror? Do you realize how awful you look? Don’t wear that thing until you lose some weight.”

Now, this came as a massive blow to Jane’s confidence. She started thinking about whether she truly deserved the outfit (the one that she bought with her own hard-earned money). That is how powerful words are. Words can break a person’s confidence within a matter of seconds. They can make a person insecure about themselves and the society they are living in.

Scenario two (Trigger warning: body shaming, toxic relationship, bullying)

Meg (name changed) is a sixteen-year-old high school student. She used to have an unconventional fashion sense (most of us have been there). She sourced her clothes from various thrift stores. She made her own jewelry from scratch. She was somewhat of a Luna Lovegood or a Phoebe Buffey when it came to fashion and personality. She was “exceptionally ordinary.”

But that was until her boyfriend started bullying her for it. He started saying things that often demeaned her sense of style. He laughed at her with his friends and even turned her friends against her. He turned her world against her.

However, when confronted, Meg’s boyfriend would say he is doing this just for fun. Her agony, somehow, is a source of amusement for him. This is quite a morbid form of pleasure, but he is blissfully unaware of it.

A boyfriend is supposed to be a person’s refuge in times of need. They need to be a friend first. They should always be “there for you,” as the popular The Rembrandts song said in the opening sequence of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Hostile boyfriends can be a source of mental agony for the person who is being bullied. They can push people over the edge.

Meg refuses to go to school now. She mostly keeps quiet and stays busy in her own world. She feels lonely, but she does not have anyone in her life with whom she can share her emotions. She is somewhat scared of sharing because of the impending fear of being judged that hangs over her head like a pointy sword.
She has been made so conscious about how she looks that she has stopped dressing up in her unique fashion. She mostly wears bleak, neutral colors nowadays and is scared to follow her heart.

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Our appearance or the way we look is the first thing that someone perceives about us. That is why so much money goes into the way people look. That is how the entire beauty industry thrives.

For almost all of us, the idea of appearance matters to the extent that it can make and break our confidence.

The two scenarios that I have discussed happen more often than you think. People do not think twice before commenting on someone’s appearance. They do not take the impending mental agony into account.

Your boyfriend is just another insensitive person who is more into looks. He thinks a person’s appearance is more important than anything else.

Well, appearances are important, but the personality behind a mere pretty face, or a nice body, or a bunch of designer clothes is more important. A human’s personality determines the kind of person they are. It determines how they would behave with the people in their lives. It determines how they will live their lives.

Your boyfriend probably wants to mold you into the person whom he finds the most desirable (someone who is unattainable to him). He wants you as a trophy to show off.

Your boyfriend’s feelings for you are shallow. It is definitely not love. He does not care about the person you are or your mental health. Your feelings do not matter to him.

He makes you feel insecure about your looks to weaken you and obtain control over your life. He wants a person to rule over and thinks you are perfect for that. He does not realize that body shaming is not okay (or maybe he does what he does knowingly).

With my experience and a bit of research, I have acquired some insights about the issue you are facing. Let’s delve deeper.

Why does he put so much importance on looks?

Your boyfriend is one of those people who judges a book by its cover. He takes a look at what is outside and never bothers to look for better things. The relationship, for him, is a way to show his friends that he has a visibly attractive person by his side.

However, that does not always mean he does not like you. He can like you and still make you feel insecure about your looks. That way, inadvertently, he asserts more control over your life. He thinks he can dictate you like that. This is a classic example of toxicity in romantic relationships.

But why would someone behave like that? What makes your boyfriend treat you that way?

The answer to these questions lies in this section. Let’s take a stroll through his mind. Keep scrolling.

#1 He is conventionally good-looking

Your boyfriend can make you feel insecure about your looks when he is conventionally good-looking. The word “good-looking” here refers to the unrealistic standard set by Hollywood and the fashion industry so far.

People these days are more woke than they were ten to fifteen years ago. They know what to say and what not to do. They are more conscious about whether or not to discuss how a person looks or behaves. Nowadays, People only say the right thing or the “politically correct” thing. They are more inclusive.

But does that really mean they have changed? Has the society transformed, or is it just putting on a mask, a façade to hide its ugliness? Well, that can be the topic of a heated debate.

People’s wokeness, as a fact, is actually partially true. The harsh truth is that, deep inside, most people continue to be their old judgemental selves. Your boyfriend may be conventionally good-looking; he may have a number of followers on social media, but that does not mean he is above human vices.

In the world of social media, he may be a strong advocate for body positivity and inclusivity while mentally abusing you for the way you look. He wants you to look as attractive as him. The way you look, apparently, fails to compliment his appearance. He cannot accept that people will not call you two the “good-looking power couple.” In other words, he wants you to be Instagram-worthy. He requires you to be “palatable.”

This is one of the worst ways to treat a person, especially when one has a personal relationship with them. Your boyfriend does not like how you look and constantly humiliates you for that by making you feel insecure about your looks. The fact that he wants you to be presentable is demeaning enough for you to reconsider this relationship.

#2 He competes with his friends about the attractiveness of each other’s partners (who dates the best)

Now, this is pretty common and disgusting at the same time. Your boyfriend and his friends have this morbid thing going on where they compare each other’s partners based on their attractiveness. This attractiveness factor is often all about a person’s outward appearance. The mind and the personality do not matter. The “gang” of “sigmas” do not care about that. You and all the other partners (who are unknowingly a part of their topic for discussion) are like trophies to be shown off.

Your boyfriend makes you feel insecure about your looks because he is competing with his friends about who has the best-looking partner. There are no brownie points for guessing he wants to win. That is why he wants you to look a certain way. His approach to attain that is to make you feel insecure to the extent that you break and start listening to his advice to make you look like an Instagram model.

In his demented venture, he wants to take away your individuality by replacing it with what he likes. He treats you as a vessel to carry his vision of the ideal partner (in terms of appearance). He wants you to be visibly perfect. Your mind won’t matter to him because that is of no use. He does not want you to “think.” Toxic people like your boyfriend think their partner only exists to move around by their side as a pretty little showpiece.

That is where the competition takes place. His friends are like-minded people who treat their partners in a similarly demented manner. Do not be surprised if you catch them talking about your body parts in the most vulgar way. Do not be surprised if you fail to find even an ounce of shame on your boyfriend’s face when he says mean things to make you feel insecure. Your mental health is the least of his concerns.

He is objectifying you and body-shaming you at the same time. Not just you; he and his friends are doing that to each other’s partners. I would not advise you to carry on with this relationship. I would have broken up with this guy without a second thought.

However, if you intend to give the relationship a last try, go and talk to him about these issues. Communicate with him about your problems. It would be great if he understood his mistake and stopped treating you like this. But that is as unlikely as watching a shark walk on land wearing a tuxedo and a golden monocle.

#3 He is rich and thinks he deserves the “best”

In this scenario, your boyfriend is loaded and thinks he deserves the best of everything. The idea of objectification of romantic partners is applicable here, too. He makes you feel insecure about your looks because he wants you to look “the best.” He wants to show you off to the world (with an undertone that says, “Money can buy everything, even a pretty partner”).

Rich people have whims and fancies. They behave so because nobody has ever said “no” to them for anything. Your boyfriend has always got what he wanted, and now he wants you. Your boyfriend fancies “fixing” you. As we have discussed earlier, he wants you to look a certain way. He has taken the hostile path of making you feel insecure, probably because you refused to change yourself for him.

Am I right?

It is okay to refuse something when you are in a relationship. A relationship should be your place of comfort. Fiascos like this often make your once-happy place bitter. The behavior meted out to you by your boyfriend is unacceptable. However, unfortunately, this is what many men have normalized. They think saying mean things about their partner’s appearance is okay. Men like your boyfriend can even fund entire cosmetic surgeries to make their partners look as per their requirements.

It is like creating a doll out of a human being. He is dehumanizing you and insulting your intelligence at the same time by making you insecure about your looks. It is almost as if the real you have no value.

Then why did he choose you in the first place?

He probably did that because he likes the overall idea of you as a human being. You are probably closest to the ideal partner he imagined. He just needs to make a few “minor alterations” on you, and you will be “good to go.”

Doesn’t that infuriate you? I think it should.

People like your boyfriend should be taught that money can’t buy everything ─ certainly not love. Tell him that no amount of money can make you change who you are. Tell him that making you feel insecure about your looks will only damage this relationship, and you may end up thinking about a breakup.

Just remember one thing. Under no circumstance are you supposed to bow your head down to such ridiculous demands by people who have a lot of money to waste! Instead, ask them to spend it on something worthwhile that would have a more lasting impact on this planet than a nose job or a fat-reduction surgery.

#4 He is insecure about his looks, so he wants his partner to be conventionally pretty

Okay, so in this scenario, he is not conventionally good-looking. He looks into the mirror and does not like what he sees. He wants to look better, but he knows there is not much he can do to change how he looks. That is where you come in. He is trying to fulfill his unfulfilled aspirations of being attractive through you.

He wants you to be pretty because he does not consider himself pretty enough. He is insecure about his looks, and he contracts that to you through his toxic behavior. He wants you to compensate for both.

All his life, he has listened to people making snide remarks about his appearance. He wants to make them stop by inflicting the same form of trauma on you (to some extent, unknowingly).

Even in this “politically woke” world we live in, relationships are often established between people deemed as equals. The harsh truth that most of us tend to ignore on purpose lies in the fact that a so-called average-looking person gets to woo a partner who is somewhat similar in looks (that is, equally average-looking, not like Gal Gadot, Zack Efron, Idris Elba or Margot Robbie). In a situation like this, a person who is mind-numbingly concerned about his physical appearance would unrealistically demand their partner to be something they are not or do not want to be.

You will find him constantly making remarks about your body. He will try interfering with your self-care routine by suggesting things he watches on social media reels. He will force you to join a gym if you do not have a toned body. He will make your life miserable by turning it into a living nightmare.

These things will only increase with each passing day. He will get more challenging to deal with and might have to face a bad breakup after a pretty traumatizing relationship.

You can deal with the situation with your stubbornness. Stand your ground by refusing to get body-shamed by your boyfriend. Be stubborn about your decision to do certain things that might go against what he wants from you. Do not let the possibility of an ugly fight deter you from doing what you need to do.

Nothing is more important than your mental health. Do whatever you need to do to stay sane, even if it means breaking up with him after being in a relationship for years. Remember, he is going to be the cause of that hefty bill at your therapist’s office. Save your money by keeping him out of your life.

However, explaining what went wrong in this relationship is essential in this situation. Let him know that you have a valid reason for leaving him. Do not allow him to badmouth you by assuming things after the breakup. Frame the explanation like feedback. It might help him get some perspective.

Your boyfriend makes you feel insecure about your looks because…

Well, the easiest explanation says that this kind of behavior is a part of his nature. Saying mean things is a part of his personality. Such a trait does not reveal itself at the beginning of a relationship. It manifests slowly and takes shape when you are finally in a steady relationship.

He will make you feel bad when he is comfortable with you. He will make you feel insecure about your looks when he is sure you will think twice before breaking up with him.

The person we are discussing matters to you. That is why you are here, seeking answers to the questions bugging you. Have a look at my attempt to help you in this situation.

#1 He is the textbook example of a toxic partner

Making you feel insecure about your looks makes your boyfriend happy. Feeling good about someone else’s misery is a toxic trait, and therefore, your boyfriend can be termed as a toxic partner for demeaning you like this. Whatever the reason is, making others feel insecure is a part of his personality.

It starts with talking about your looks. His mean words may soon shift towards several other aspects of your life. Here are a few things he can say next if you let him get away with body-shaming:

• He will demean your family right in front of you. He might pick up points from your older conversations where you have complained about your family to him in a moment of weakness. He will use your words against you as ammunition. For him, this is not personal. He does what he does because of kicks. What a sociopath! Isn’t it?
• He will say mean things about your job. Here, too, he will use your words against you by using whatever you said to him about your job when you had a bit more work pressure than usual. He will use your vulnerability to mock you on purpose. He will have the courage to act like this if you say nothing against his body-shaming attitude now.
• He will question your intellect. This is the most common verbal attack that comes after body shaming. A toxic man will call you names ─ names that often depict a lack of intellect in a person. He might use words like “stupid,” “idiot,” or “dumb” to refer to you. He will not think twice before using these words to call you out in public.
• He will question his decision to date you (indirectly insulting you in the process). If you hear him say, “Oh! What was I thinking when I started dating you?” know that he is done with you and wants to get rid of this relationship now. He may also use passive-aggressive approaches like talking to his friend over the phone and saying mean things about you while you are present in the adjacent room, listening to him. Your toxic boyfriend will insult you into leaving him.

Well, it starts with body shaming and ends in passive-aggressive breakups. Who knew toxic men could be so creative? It is almost magical (being sarcastic here, duh).

#2 He is concerned about how you look, not the human being that you are

Like every other shallow person on this planet, your boyfriend is a guy who judges a book by its cover. He is concerned about how you look. Your mind, your intellect, and your personality mean nothing to him.

We have already discussed why he is so much into looks. Your boyfriend is one of those toxic stock characters from tacky teen movies. He is that high school jock boyfriend who constantly demeans and disregards their girlfriend.

Remember Elle Woods's (Reese Witherspoon) boyfriend, Warner Huntington III (Matthew Davis) from the movie Legally Blonde? He broke up with her by stereotyping her as a “dumb blonde” who knows nothing about the world of academia. When she cracked the entrance to Harvard Law School and showed up there for her first day just to be around him, he took her quite lightly. He was persistent with this behavior until Elle passed at the top of her class and rejected him for the awful person he was.

Your boyfriend is a classic Warner who will disregard your presence in his life until you step out of the relationship and turn unattainable to him. That is when you will probably find him crawling back to you. He might ask you to take him back, and I would recommend rejecting him like Elle this time. There is no reason to sit and tolerate this behavior from the guy who is supposed to make you happy. Our lives are already complicated. Do not make space to accommodate more difficulty in your life.

#3 He is worried about what people will say

Your boyfriend is somewhat of a people pleaser. He lives in a constant fear of getting judged by people and, in the process, judges the hell out of you. He makes you feel insecure about how you look clearly because he does not like it.

He thinks people will dislike your appearance and laugh at him because you are his partner. He does not want to be seen with you until you change your appearance to something that caters to his taste.

He is unaware that people do not care about insignificant things like what a stranger looks like in this fast-moving world. Ask your boyfriend to grow up and take a look around. Ask him whether he finds anyone who is genuinely bothered about your appearance.

However, you should also consider the scenario where your boyfriend’s fear is genuine. In that case, his only fault is that he is a coward. He does not have the courage to stand up to people who unnecessarily criticize him or his partner.

Situations like this occur when family members or friends start to have a bit too many opinions about his life. They have made his life miserable with unsolicited advice and unwelcome comments. They have a word to say about every aspect of his life. As his partner, you, too, are an intricate part of the uncomfortable discussion.

He makes you feel insecure about the way you look because whatever he faces at the home front or from his friends is getting unbearable for him. Your boyfriend has a weak mind that can easily be penetrated with a harsh word or two.

#4 He is inherently mean (or a bully)

Bullies often do not have the ability to understand toxic actions. They are not aware of the emotional damage they inflict on people they bully. They like being unnecessarily mean. The victims’ misfortune makes them happy.

Your boyfriend could make you feel insecure about your looks if he is a bully. He is inherently mean. Meanness defines his personality. He will say infuriating things about your appearance even if you are conventionally good-looking. He will find out the drawbacks or even make them up to make you feel bad.

Bullies often function and operate in groups. The worst part of a situation like this lies in the fact that he makes fun of you around his friends. He might even encourage them to call you names to make you feel worse.

Not just you; he does the same thing to everyone around him. He preys on those people who talk less and often do not stand up to atrocities. He picks on people whom he thinks are weaker than him. He considers you weak.

It will be great if you show him that you are not scared. The next time he tries to bully you, pick out one of his drawbacks (like the act of bullying itself) and call him out. Warn him about the implications of his behavior.

This happens when…

There are reasons behind everything that happens in this universe. Your boyfriend’s mean actions also have a set of reasons. Reasons do not justify his behavior. They are not excuses to defend him. They give you a way to deal with the issue effectively.

Here are a few possible reasons behind the fact that your boyfriend is making you feel insecure about your looks. Feel free to go through the following.

#1 You have changed your appearance

You have the fundamental right to change your appearance in a free country. Your boyfriend, however, has the right to dislike how you look after your physical transformation. But he has no right to make you feel insecure about your looks. He can express his opinion, and the discussion should end there.

People change their appearances for various reasons. They mostly do it to add some positive change to their dull, boring, and overworked lives. If you changed your appearance for a similar cause, you have every right to do that ─ to feel happy. Your boyfriend will have to accept the change if he wishes to be with you.

He should understand that making you feel miserable will only deteriorate the relationship dynamic you two have. Ask him how he would feel if you started counting his drawbacks instead of focusing on the bright sides of this relationship. Tell him that everyone has things that other people may or may not like, but that does not mean they will be shamed for their choices.

Some people, like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, do not handle change well. That is a totally different mental health issue (that is a whole new discussion). Sheldon, in the last season of the sitcom, did not react well when his wife Amy got a makeover after they won the Nobel Prize together. Their infamous elevator started working, and the nerdy leads were suddenly popular in the world. This change made Sheldon jittery, and he started acting out.

If your boyfriend is somewhat like Sheldon, you will have to sit him down and explain why the change was necessary in your life. There is a high chance that the person we are discussing is not like Sheldon. He probably makes you feel insecure about your looks just for the kicks. In that case, stand up to him and call him out for his rude behavior. Yell at him if you want (trust me, that will make you feel better). Tell him he has no right to decide how you should look. Ask him to mind his own business, and tell him that you will change your look again if you wish.

#2 His tastes have changed

He makes you feel insecure about your looks because he does not like your appearance. That is because his tastes have probably changed. Suddenly, you are not his type anymore.

It is okay to fall out of love. However, it is okay as long as you are honest about it. Your boyfriend may not like how you look, but that does not mean you have changed. His tastes have changed, and he needs to deal with that on his own. You have nothing to do here. All he needs to do is let you go with a bit of dignity.

Making you feel insecure is not okay, as it will have a long-term effect on your mental health. You may develop commitment issues and a fear of falling in love. You will start dreading dates and might slip into depression.

So, why did his taste change? Well, there are multiple answers. Some of them are right here:

• He discovered his true sexuality
• He fell for someone else
• He fell out of love
• He joined the gym and acquired a ripped body
• He secured a fabulous job
• He was influenced by a movie or a TV series
• His friends convinced him that you are not good enough

#3 You once made him feel insecure about his appearance

Now, this one is tricky. Your boyfriend makes you feel insecure about your looks because you did the same to him. Try to remember the times you laughed at his appearance or said mean things. All of that is coming back as a boomerang. He is doing this as revenge.

He wants to make you feel everything that you once inflicted on him. This happens when a person you once bullied gains the upper hand and comes back stronger. You made him feel insecure because you considered his looks undesirable. This happens when you are more conventionally attractive than your boyfriend. This is somewhat like the Penny-Leonard situation from The Big Bang Theory, where Penny was conventionally prettier compared to her boyfriend.

Your boyfriend has gained the confidence and courage to stand up to you. That has nothing to do with appearance. He found his strength from within, like Po from Kung Fu Panda. He can fight you with all the right words this time. He is not scared of you anymore.

The fact that you are upset at him for his behavior shows his success. He wanted to make you feel miserable by shoving you off into a pool of insecurity. And man, he was good at that! However, you should remember that he is not a bad person. He just wanted to teach you a lesson. He is probably the same old boyfriend you knew and bullied.

A little cautionary advice: brace yourself for the breakup talk. He might break up with you following this episode. Nobody wants to keep dating a bully.

Tips and life hacks

A few points to be noted:

• Your boyfriend makes you feel insecure about your looks because you let him do that. You allow him to treat you like trash. He literally chose you for this from a pool of potential partners. There is a chance that his previous breaks took place because he tried to treat his former partners in the same way as he is treating you now. He will stop demeaning you the moment you stand up to it. Condemn what he does with a firm and stern voice. Make sure he understands his fault.
• There are a lot of communication issues in this situation. You two need to sort things out like adults. Try following my advice and sit down, facing each other, to make a list of things that can’t be said or done in this relationship.
• The only thing that will surely save you from this person you are dating is a breakup. Terminate the relationship if you have the courage to do so. Your mind will thank you for this, and you will save a few thousand bucks from going into the therapist’s pocket.
• Every problem has a normal solution and a twisted one. In this scenario, the twisted one will require you to inflict the same kind of behavior on him. Make him feel insecure for being the insufferable bully that he is. Say all the bad things you ever wanted to say when he made you feel insecure. You will definitely feel better.