My Boyfriend Gets Mad When I Don’t Sleep With Him (Decode His Mind)

Intimate acts like sleeping with someone need consent. Consent gets manifested through a simple “yes” or a “no.” That is where the entire discussion should end. The fact that your boyfriend gets mad at you for not sleeping with him proves that he is not very aware of the concept of consent. He is definitely not interested in knowing what you want at the moment.

A relationship brings with it the apparent idea of physicality. Physical love can be a great thing when two consenting adults decide to fulfill their carnal desires in acceptable ways. They can go for the well-traveled path, or they can choose the road not taken (you know what I mean). However, everything about sleeping with each other depends on things like mood and will (you see, that is where the consent comes from).

And yes, there is a concept of choosing the right time when it comes to carnal acts like sleeping with each other.

However, things can turn bitter when one partner wilfully forgets to consider the likes and dislikes of the other one. The behavior has a particular name. It is called being insensitive. Things can even get traumatizing for the one at the receiving end of the foul behavior.

This is what you are probably facing. Am I right?

If your answer is “yes,” the situation you are in is an unfortunate one, and I am sorry for what you are going through. You deserve to be understood and loved. The way your boyfriend behaves is not acceptable.

I am not here to bombard you with pitiful words of sympathy. I am not here to “put myself in your shoes.” I am here to empathize and to tell you that you are not alone in this. I am here to help you in this difficult time of yours.

In this blog post, I will discuss your problem extensively with ways to deal with it. Read on.

What is going on in his mind?

In order to understand why he gets mad at you when you do not sleep with him, we need to understand your boyfriend’s mind. We will have to know the way he thinks. What are the ideologies that guide him? What makes up his personality?

It seems like he is turning into the bad guy of your story ─ the red flag you have always dreaded. Why is it so? He did not seem like a red flag when you started dating him.

Well, based on my experience, I have a few things to say.

#1 Your boyfriend treats you as an object

This is as clear as daylight. He gets mad at you when you do not sleep with him because he sees you as an object (a prop that exists to sleep with him on demand). In this way, he is clearly dehumanizing you. He is trying to take away from you the fundamental human right to say “no” whenever you do not feel like doing a certain thing.

If you are familiar with period dramas like Game of Thrones or Spartacus, you will know what I am talking about. They featured the dark realities of ancient and medieval societies where people were sold, bought, and used for pleasure or combat (mostly against their will). The shows portrayed gross violations of human rights and were often offensive about the treatment meted out to the unfortunate characters. Things like that happen in the present times, too (as we have seen in the 2008 movie Taken starring Liam Neeson).

However, let’s not go too far with this. Your boyfriend is not selling or buying you at a shady market (well, that is not something to go all “phew” about). What he is doing to you is not pleasant either. He is basically using you as a self-pleasure device. No person deserves to be treated as an object.

Your boyfriend is making you feel like a piece of flesh that is only useful to him when he is aroused. Not catering to his demands makes you useless in his eyes. Not getting his carnal thirst quenched makes him mad. He probably thinks he has “invested” his time in the wrong “thing.”

I do not think he has feelings for you. Whatever you two have in this relationship is not affection, and it is definitely not love. He is not in love with you. I have not even bothered to use any word signifying possibility here because that is the truth.

A person who loves you would not make you feel miserable for refusing to sleep with him. In an ideal scenario, he would try to understand your problems and would probably do something that you want to do at the moment to lift up your mood.

Your boyfriend is simply using you to fulfill his physical needs. Do you even need to call him a boyfriend? Last time I checked, the word “boyfriend” had some romantic undertones. There is nothing romantic about the situation you are in.

I would recommend that you get out of this relationship as fast as you can. Try to understand the reality of this relationship. Do not be a person stuck in acute Stockholm syndrome. This relationship is not helping your mental health.

However, you can do one last thing before you call it quits. Tell him what went wrong. Try to meet him for the breakup. Telling him to his face what is wrong with him will have a better impact than breaking up by text or a call. Be a little bit rude if you want to (he earned that with his awful behavior). There is no need to feel bad for him.

#2 Your feelings ─ do they even matter to him?

No, they do not. Your feelings are not his concern. He does not care about what you think or how bad you feel when he fails to understand you. He cares about how you look and whether you will sleep with him tonight. He is disappointed every time you say “no” because he has assigned only one role to you in the story of his life ─ the role of a person who fulfills his carnal desires.

This can happen when you get into a relationship with a person you barely know. He started dating you just because he wanted to get physical with you. There is no other reason. He is like Paul, the wine guy from the Pilot episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. All he wants is to get in your pants.

That is why he enchanted you with his charm. He made you fall for him. There was no love in his mind. He wanted a steady person to sleep with. Your boyfriend was probably too tired of playing Barney (from How I Met Your Mother) at all the parties he went to. He was tired of the uncertainty of one-night stands.

Let me ask you one thing. Has he ever consoled you when you were sad (or crying)? Has he ever spent the night talking to you about common interests? Has he ever held your hand and stared into your eyes for more than ten minutes? The answer is “no,” right?

Today’s fast-paced world would like to diss the idea of staring into each other eyes and holding hands for hours (even the Disney movies of our time do not endorse these gestures). But these things matter. No one talks about them enough. People often think these gestures would make them look old-fashioned. Understanding each other’s feelings instead of getting physical (even for once) would make them look like a wuss.

Well, that is not the case. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be understood. You deserve a boyfriend who would gladly listen to your problems. You deserve someone who will lend you a shoulder to cry on at difficult times. You deserve to say no to your boyfriend when you do not want to sleep with him. You deserve a boyfriend who would shrug to this and hold you close while looking at the mole on the edge of your forehead as you watch The Big Bang Theory on Netflix. Know that you deserve nothing but the best.

#3 He has always got what he wanted ─ he applies the same theory in romantic relationships

Dig into his childhood days, and you will probably find he was a spoiled child. He got whatever he wanted since when he was a little kid. Behavioral traits like this seldom die. Instead, they morph into detrimental habits like the one we are discussing. Your boyfriend is an entitled brat.

The people he grew up with (his parents or primary caregivers) are the ones at fault here. They never taught him the proper way to react to a “no.” The word “no” is not a valid option for him in any conversation or situation. He wants you to sleep with him. Your refusal makes him mad because he is not getting what he wants.

Apart from that, he knows that he will get what he wants no matter what it is. He has never known the absence of anything in his life. He thinks that his fellow humans, too, would be at his disposal whenever he needs them.

No one has ever told him he is thinking wrong. No one has ever pointed out that he should not hope for everything to be available for him at all times. The situation he is in is more of an upbringing issue, and you are facing the brunt of it.

People like this often disregard other people’s opinions. They do not care about people’s feelings and sentiments. This is what is happening in your case. Your boyfriend fails to understand you because he has never been taught that aspect of social life.

That is not what you need in a relationship. It is not your responsibility to create a “responsible citizen out of him.” You are his partner, not his parent(s), and he is adult enough to understand that. It is not your job to teach him consent.

However, you can blame him for his behavior and tell him that he will not get whatever he wants whenever he wants. You can say to him that not everything will be at his disposal at all times. Make him realize that he is not going to have you as a partner if he continues to behave like this.

Try to make your words sound like a warning.

Tell him that getting mad or even yelling at you for not sleeping with him will not get you to do that. You are not scared of him, and his rude words will not budge you. It will only irritate you into considering a breakup.

#4 “My partner exists in this world to fulfill my physical needs” ─ that’s what he thinks

Your unique personality, your likes, your dislikes, and your mental or physical state do not matter. He knows you as the person who is there to fulfill all his physical desires. The fact that he gets mad when you do not sleep with him proves that he thinks it is well within his rights to treat you like this.

Your boyfriend is the textbook example of a toxic partner. The aspect that we are discussing is the most common factor needed to determine whether you are dating a toxic person or not. People like this are often too hard to deal with. They just would not understand the problem in the way they think.

Sleeping with your partner is an intimate thing, and that should be done only when both of you are interested. Consent from both sides is essential. Without that, things can turn ugly and end up in a court of law.

He is not entitled to have you sleep with him whenever he wants. A relationship does not work like that. He can’t get mad if you are not in the mood. He has to understand that your life can have ups and downs, and that can make or break your desire to sleep with him.

However, some men have zero idea about these concepts. They do not know what consent is. They look at their partners as people who are there to fulfill their needs. Men like these need to be in a relationship just for sensual pleasures. They think their physical needs are the most important thing in the world.

Your boyfriend is a similarly toxic person who believes that you exist just as a means to fulfill his desires. A lot of people I know have experienced this in their relationships. There are instances where the boyfriend demands his partner to be flexible in bed. They need their partner to act according to their weird fantasies.

Sleeping with someone needs consent. Each and every act on the bed requires consent, too. No one has the right to make their partner uncomfortable by asking them to perform weird (sometimes demeaning) acts against their will. Your boyfriend, too, does not have the right to demand certain favors from you in the form of sleeping with him. Getting mad at the partner on this issue is stupid, and he needs to realize that.

You can confront your boyfriend with a firm “no.” Oh, wait! You have already done that!

So, tell him that his behavior is hurting you and that you have turned doubtful about this relationship. Mention that you are thinking about breaking up with him as you are questioning your decision to date him.

Tell him in clear words that you do not exist in this world to fulfill his physical needs and weird carnal fantasies. Tell him that this relationship will eventually lose all meaning if he continues this behavior; a meaningless relationship is seldom sustained.

#5 He knows nothing about relationships in general

No, I am not saying he is innocent. He is oblivious to what a partner needs in a relationship. His sense of entitlement makes him too lazy to learn what you want or about love in general. He behaves this way because of his sheer lack of knowledge about being an adult.

He thinks the world (and that includes you) will run according to his whims and fancies. He gets mad when you do not sleep with him because you refuse to go with the flow when he wishes to get intimate.

He could be a giant man-child who knows nothing other than putting himself in the seat of priority in every possible scenario. However, that does not mean he does not like you.

Confused. Right?

The only problem here is that he is too reluctant to upgrade. People need to change with changing times and increasing age. Your boyfriend is stuck at fifteen. He thinks acting like a spoiled teenager will get him everything that he fancies. He does not feel the requirement to learn about relationships. He has no intention to learn anything about you.

In my opinion, this relationship is going to be pretty one-sided.

Well, the situation you are in is quite a tricky one. While in some cases, the idea of love and affection is non-existent, in this case, it could be present in a bizarre form ─ a form that you might cringe at.

After all, who wants to raise a man-child? We do not have that much time and energy in this fast-paced twenty-first-century world. It was his parents’ job, and they clearly failed at it. You should not be the one to face the brunt of his incomplete upbringing.

#6 He thinks he owns your body and soul

The situation you are facing in your relationship originates from a sense of ownership. Your boyfriend thinks he owns you. Take a peek into his mind, and you will find him thinking:

• “Well, I have spent so much time and money on this person. I am entitled to get something in return.”
• “Why are they refusing to sleep with me? Isn’t that what I deserve in a relationship.”
• “What’s the use of having a partner when I can’t sleep with them whenever I want? Maybe I should look for someone else.”
• “How do they have the audacity to refuse to sleep with me? Isn’t it their only job as my partner?”

All of the above imaginary (yet true at times) words point towards one thing: your partner thinks he owns your body and soul, and he does not care about you as a person. He is blissfully unaware of the existence of your unique personality, and that is a matter of grave concern. Your needs, your likes and dislikes, your wishes ─ nothing matters to him. He expects you to sleep with him whenever he wants, although he might never fulfill your physical needs.

In his weird mind, your needs do not exist. He treats you as someone who is custom-made just to entertain him with all the sensual pleasures of the world. He dehumanizes you in this way. He disrespects the idea of being in a relationship ─ being in love ─ as he nurtures a sense of unhealthy ownership over you.

A relationship does not work like that. It is a two-way street. A person receives what they mete out to their partner. Your boyfriend can’t expect you to tolerate his toxic behavior forever.

Oh, wait! He is not aware that he is being toxic. He is self-centered. He probably thinks you are the bad person for not sleeping with him.

“What was I thinking when I got into this relationship?” That’s what you are thinking now. Isn’t it?

It is pretty standard for you to question this relationship you are in. You are probably traumatized, thanks to your boyfriend’s insensitive behavior.

Do not blame yourself for your faulty judgment. It is not your fault that he turned out to be the abominable human being that he is. You misjudged him. You could not have known.

I know why you fell for him. It is because of the common human trope that people tend to be on their best behavior when they are trying to woo someone (especially during the first few dates). The excellent behavior made you misjudge him.

Here are a few things for you to think about.

#1 He used to behave like the male protagonist of a Hollywood romcom

Think about the time you two started dating ─ the initial days. I am sure you will not be able to match the man you are with to the one you fell for. He has changed (and for the worse). You may have fallen for Joe Bradley (played by Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday), but the person you are dating is actually more like Patrick Bateman (played by Christian Bale in American Psycho).

I am sorry for your ordeal, but that’s how unfair life is.

Your boyfriend enticed you with his charms, and you fell for the bait. Again, it is not your fault. I will not say, “You should have known better.” You could not have known ─ nobody could have.

Toxic men often put up their best behavior when they start dating a new person. They continue the façade until they have enticed the person, and only then do they come out of their shell with their bare claws and teeth to prey on their partner’s mental health.

We have already discussed why he gets mad at you when you do not sleep with him. None of the aforementioned reasons point to him being a good person. The moment he starts getting disappointed because of missed opportunities at carnal pleasures is the moment he reveals himself to the toxic person we are so appalled by.

You can stay with him despite the fact that he is toxic. You can leave him too for a better person. It is totally up to you. However, I would advise you to make the right decision to save yourself from all the impending agonies that he might inflict on you.

#2 He went out of his way to impress you

He is not who he claims to be because he sort of changed his personality to impress you into dating him. The fact that he gets mad at you for not sleeping with him shows that he is not the Prince Charming he pretended to be at the beginning of your relationship.

He probably believes you exist in this relationship just to fulfill his lusty desires. However, he knows that the way he thinks is considered taboo in today’s society. He masks it by going out of his way to make you feel like you are in the dreamiest relationship ever.

He would even act like the perfect green flag at the beginning. He will say woke things and do what you want (behind and outside closed doors). He will do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable. He will try his best to be your confidante.

However, he will start shedding his skin the moment you are convinced or comfortable around him. After all, a person can keep acting only for a while. The urge to be his most authentic self has always been there at the back of his mind. It was you who was swept away by his scheming charms. He is sort of like Wickham from Pride and Prejudice. Just like the infamous character from the Austen novel, he too will do whatever it takes to woo you into believing he is the right guy for you.

If you want my advice, I would like to say that you need to be a bit more cautious about guys who you date. I know reading people’s minds is a pretty tricky task, and not everyone can do it. The easiest thing would be to see a person inside out before falling in love.

An insightful observation would have helped by letting you know who you are dating. Assuming that you will re-think your relationship with this guy, I must say that you should “look before you leap” from now on. That might attempt to save you from future heartbreak and trauma.

#3 Men often do not show who they really are at the beginning of a relationship

This is commoner than you think. As we have discussed earlier in this section, people often get misled by the Ryan Gosling act that most men put up to get (or hold) the attention of their intended. They are the sweetest people when they are trying to woo you, and the moment you have fallen for them, they change (for worse).

Well, let’s be honest, we all do that. What a world would it be if everyone was open about themselves!

We are on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. That is why it feels like a walk through the garden. Everything seems perfect. There are several reasons behind these behavioral traits, and to your surprise, some of them might come off as a tad bit pitiable.

Your boyfriend did not show his true self at the beginning of this relationship due to his fear of judgment. He thought you may never like him if he was an honest version of himself. Choosing to be someone else is dishonest, complex, and sad at the same time. But the way he treats you has no justification whatsoever.

He gets mad at you for not sleeping with him because of his unresolved issues. The problem lies in the fact that his issues have not been addressed yet. He will continue this behavior with you or whoever comes after you because nobody points these things out for him.

If you decide to break up (or ever stay with him), you can sit down with him to have a discussion with him about his problematic attitude. Tell him this is the precise reason why you have chosen to stay away from him. Say that this kind of behavior will bring in more problems in his love life.

#4 You were so much in love that you could not see the toxicity

Again, love is a tricky thing. It makes us do things that we would have never done in a typical scenario. Jamie Lannister famously shrugged and said in the Pilot episode of Game of Thrones, “Things I do for love,” while shoving off little Brandon Stark from the edge of the tower with the intention to kill him for People have proved him right time and again. The line between what is okay and what is not often gets blurry when we are in love. We do not see the obvious things, and by the time we realize the problems, it will be too late.

I am glad you are here to discuss your problems with me. It is true that you failed to see the toxic nature of the man you call your boyfriend at the beginning of the relationship. You made a mistake, but never mind, you are finally on the right path. Now that you see it, I hope you are ready for the truth.

Well, he may not be a good guy. He may not be the one for you. The fact that you find his behavior problematic when he gets mad at you for not sleeping with him proves that you have doubt in your heart. You are on your way to rethink your decision about this relationship.

Being head over heels in love with someone is not a crime. You fell in love just like any other human being. Even I have been in your situation a few years ago. I stepped out of the relationship as it was too much to handle. Not realizing that your boyfriend is toxic does not mean you deserve the behavior that has been meted out to you by him.

N. Solferino and M. Tessitore write (in their paper ‘Human Networks and Toxic Relationships’ from Mathematics), “A third unconditionally reciprocating party, such as another partner or support from family, friends, or private organizations, can help reduce the appeal of a toxic partner and help individuals escape from abuse.”

You can take action now. Try to decide whether you want to stay with this guy or not. This is a crucial decision as your future mental health will depend on this. You can take advice from this and seek help from your keen. Your parents may help you deal with the trauma of being in a mentally agonizing relationship, and so can your friends. You will just have to reach out to them.

#5 You have never said “no” to him so far

He did what he did because you have never said “no” to him so far. You may have shown your resistance towards his behavior when he gets mad at you for not sleeping with him by frowning or ignoring him. But for some people, it is not enough. They need to hear your discontent or refusal loud and clear.

Your boyfriend has continued this behavior to the extent that you are looking for solutions online because you have never uttered the “no.” A firm “no” can do more than a whole unnecessary conversation. It shows you have had enough of it and that you are not going to tolerate his entitled behavior anymore.

However, saying “no” is difficult (especially to the person you are supposed to feel affection for). It is difficult but the most effective thing. The next time he tries to act out in front of you for not sleeping with him, say: “No, you can’t behave this way! I have had enough of this.” You can storm out of the room or even the apartment if you want.

#6 You thought he was “different”

You are in this fiasco because, like most other people in love, you thought, “he is different.” Believe me, he is not. He copied Leonard Hofstadter (from The Big Bang Theory) when he was trying to woo you, and now he is acting like Barney (from How I Met Your Mother), who thinks he is entitled to sensual pleasures now that you two are dating.

He is far from different. Your boyfriend is the most standard version of a toxic partner. Getting mad at you for not sleeping with him is the worst form of toxicity a person can show. This is just the beginning. Your boyfriend may offer a variety of different toxic traits if you keep dating him without calling him out.

Well, he is different from all the good guys out there. I think you deserve better. You deserve to be treated with love and dignity, which often comes from a balanced relationship. The one you are in is far from what you call balanced. Only you can get yourself out of it.

With my years of experience in writing about relationships, I would like to advise you that you should end this relationship. Staying in it would bring you more agony. It can irreparably damage your mental health, and you might end up in the therapist’s office with a hefty bill to pay for eternity.

Tips and life hacks

A few points to be noted:

• A relationship should be like a safe space. It is where you can be your most authentic self. Not being able to be yourself while you are with your boyfriend can be extremely agonizing. Be in a relationship that makes you happy, not anxious.
• If you want to stay with him despite the fact that he is toxic, make him realize his mistake. Make him apologize to you for his behavior. Make sure he understands his fault and never does anything to disrespect you again.
• Did you ever get mad at him for not sleeping with you? If the answer is “yes,” he is doing the same to make you taste your own medicine. He wants you to apologize for your behavior. In that case, you need introspection. You are the problem here.
• It is better to stay alone than be in a dead-end relationship with a toxic guy who will only get worse with time. There is no reason to hope that things will get better one day. Trust me when I say it will not. Try to find happiness elsewhere.