I Can’t Talk to My Boyfriend About My Feelings: Tips for You

Time keeps changing like a rotating wheel. With that, people, circumstances, and their relationships take a turn for either worse or better.

The day you two started on a journey of love may not be the same as today when you see thousands of ifs and buts creeping in between you. It might have altered the way you used to look at things before or built an invisible wall of distance between you and your partner.

There could be times when you both couldn't wait any longer to pipe out everything happening around you to the other. You had endless things to share with each other. Life was nothing short of a dream. 

But as days, months, and years rolled by, and you both saw your relationship going through all the thick and thin, you found an unfamiliar silence, a lack of words, a mass of emptiness poking its head.

We all agree that the most conclusive sign of a healthy relationship is how the partners feel free to communicate with each other. It gives you the opportunity to create a safe space where you can foster trust and co-dependence.

The willingness to talk about your own feelings is rooted in the urge to be heard by the other person, to know that he is there to work on things when you find it difficult to walk alone. 

Receiving a cold reaction or no reaction from your partner, on the other hand, questions your self-esteem and your status in the relationship. Of course, you will feel neglected and left out.

But aren't you missing out on something lying beyond the surface? 

The answer depends on more than you know.

If you find yourself struggling with a similar frustration, then your hard times are almost near the end.

With this article, I would share the hope and faith you need for yourself, to know that things will fall into the right place.

And how would I do that?

By helping you see the ground parts, like

• Figuring out the subjects you can't discuss
• Re-assessing the reasons behind your inability to talk 
• Exploring possible approaches

Let’s get reading your way.

Figure out the subjects you can't discuss

Relationship is not about all the good things and we all know that. What is important is to find out the blind spots and do whatever it takes to make it work. 

Knowing that your partner will be passive or negatively reactive is not enough to deal with this particular situation. Understanding his hot buttons will help you get to the bottom of it.

#1 About friends and family 

You can call your boyfriend as an otherwise calm, cool, and understanding partner except for those times when you start discussing your friends or family with him. 

As soon as he is asked to pay attention to something related to them, you notice a blankness taking over or a note of deliberate indifference on his face to tell you he is least bothered about them. 

It leaves you with random options to jump to conclusions without a rethought. And you decide to keep away from mentioning them at all.

But that won't alone solve the problem. For a solution, you must rewind some incidents that accidentally threw him on a bitter edge against them.

For example, 

• Did you ever pick a fight over any of them with your partner?
• Has any of your friends or family members upset him with their behavior?
• Does your partner have an inferiority complex toward them?
• Do you think your boyfriend isn't okay with your over-involvement with them?
• Is there a miscommunication regarding any of them between you and your partner?
• Is he not on good terms with your family or friends for any personal discomfort?
• Are you the one to prioritize your friends and family over your boyfriend on any occasion?

#2 About your emotional state

Couples are expected to be comfortable talking about their emotional states to their better halves. That’s how we grow together, and that's how our relationships evolve through the tough times.

But having a partner who you know has nothing to offer you but a lump of frozen responses to your emotional turmoil is more disheartening and sometimes puts a damper on your spirits.

So, you stay at arm’s length and avoid bringing up the subject again.

As a result, you start speaking different languages even when using the same words. 

Let me ask you, however, why does he do so?

 Well, putting yourself to his shoes, you might see a different sight. 

• It could be his personal struggle that he cannot share with you and ends up being too emotionally exhausted to hold space for your feelings.
• It can be excessive stress or physical inconveniences he is combatting alone and cosequentially, growing peevish about everything.
• You could be taken for granted in the relationship where your own presence is constantly challenged.
• He is busy with some crucial professional developments that are taking time to materialize.

#3 Your career and goals

It might hurt your ears to hear that there are a lot of guys who cannot think out of the ideals of chauvinism and patriarchy that discard the concept of women empowerment and women coming of age. 

Unfortunately, your partner, perhaps somewhere in his mind, is still far behind these progressive windows and does not take pride in his partner’s success and individual identity.

For him, it might be safe for his girl to follow the lead of her man. That is why he can't help being cross or dissuasive to you in terms of your goals and ambitions and turn a deaf ear whenever you try to talk about them.

Perceiving what might follow, you try to exclude the subjects revolving around your career or aspirations in the conversations with your partner. 

But does that help you feel better? 

Living in the shadow of a person, whoever it is, is not called a life worth being proud of. Your relationship is supposed to be the guiding light to steer you to the route of your dreams. Your partner is your ‘significant other’ because your visions are the collective vision of you two.

If he can't acknowledge your individuality, I am afraid it is he who needs to pace up with the time and change his perspective. 

#4 Your relationship

Is it your relationship he is trying to avoid talking about? It may stem from things that may not meet your naked eyes and lie buried in him. 

The good news is that I have some possible truths to open your eyes, like

• He might be suffering due to unresolved issues and do not have the energy to go over the same phase of pain.
• He doesn't have the courage to face relational liabilities.
• He might be risk-averse and preferring to keep silent about the complications of the relationship.
• He is not sure how to deal with the demands and expectations of the relationship.
• He doesn't have the patience to listen, know, assimilate, and retrospect the chain of issues.
• He is unable to see the cracks widening in the dynamic of your partnership.
• He is too self-absorbed to see beyond the obvious.

#5 Your past

The sore spot for many is the past of their partners. This has been a common pain point for those who do not want to dwell on things that are gone. 

When you see your partner expressing reluctance to hear you referring to your past, there might be something present in that period that’s bothering him like hell.

What could they be?

Let me reason it and draw some explanations.

• If the past is unpleasant and painful, he might be uncomfortable having conversation on it, so that you can move on with whatever awaits you in the present.
• He may have a feeling of insecurity to hear about your past that may dig out events related to your ex partner.
• He might not be willing to upset you since he knows the mention of your past can put you off and affect your emotional stability.
• He might be apprehensive of the possibility that discussing your past might tease out facts which can change his conception of you as his partner.

Re-assess the reasons behind your inability to talk

You have been down with frenzy every time you have tried to make up your mind for approaching your boyfriend and try to strike up a conversation. The results were not what you intended. And it has added to your despondence. 

Yet, for the last time, I'm asking you to consider those reasons and see both sides of the coin, but this time with a fresh insight.

#1 Fear of rejection

It may not be your boyfriend himself, but your own lack of confidence that could be holding you back all this time. 

Very few of us are capable of encountering rejection, and when we are driven by the self-made trepidation of being judged and dismissed by our other halves, we take a step back and clam up altogether.

The discussion doesn't start, but you can't stop yourself from mulling over the shadowed chapters you wanted to share with your boyfriend. 

Remember, the more you falter, the less will be the chances to assert your opinions. You may be scared of conditions that might lead to hurting your beloved, but in turn, you will encourage bottling up your emotions at a point of further complications and loneliness that you have crafted for yourself.

#2 Lack of comfort in the relationship

The best relationships thrive in a space of comfort. If you can't trust your partner to be the comfort zone to whom you can come up with your vulnerabilities and fears, it is likely to put you through a sense of abandonment and void.

Maybe, over the years, there has been a loss of reliability in your relationship or experiences in the past that brought you to feel unsafe voicing yourself to your partner. Perhaps, you don't feel secure confiding in him since you foresee the possible responses. 

Look, this can happen when you are incompatible in terms of your tastes, goals, and perspectives toward life. Love isn't enough to make up for these differences, especially when your better half is not ready to respect the lack of compatibility and your individual choice. In the end, it can cost you the essence of your relationship.

The pattern of avoidance might be further worsened if you tried talking things out with him but wasn't received well and felt unsupported all the way.

#3 Failure to articulate your emotions

Communication skills in a relationship can be a powerful means to bridge the gap between partners. But, not everybody is equally verbally potent to excel in the art.

It's true for a lot of people who are less skilled in articulating their emotions in the right way and lose the opportunity to take a stand for themselves. 

The truth that you can mess up things by failing to phrase them in the right way with clarity and conviction can throw you into a pool of uncertainty and can contribute negatively in creating the urge to initiate conversations with your partner. 

You feel a strange numbness and keep your mouth shut, lest your boyfriend should misquote you or misread your intentions, resulting in an erosion of trust and weakening the connection.

#4 Minimal participation of your boyfriend 

Communication cannot be one-way. It requires the equal devotion of the persons concerned. Yet, lack of engagement from your partner’s end can turn the whole dialogue one-sided and you may feel ignored and highly disrespected.

If you have experienced that your partner is hardly willing to participate in the discussion by giving attention or suggestion and ends it with a mere customary nod of approval, it can be disheartening to stay hooked with him for a long time.

That being the outcome on more than one occasion, it was likely that you turned yourself off from trying for the same in the future.  

Your aloofness is justified since it is not possible to move the discussion forward or reach a point of resolve without being heard or understood or having a reciprocation to say the least. 

#5 Potential arguments and fights

Sometimes couples follow the resort of avoiding a discussion or talking about their feelings because they have a hunch for potential arguments over minor issues.

Anticipating the worst, or to be more specific the possibility of triggering disagreements and conflicts that can go up to the point of severe fights can silence your urge to sit for an open communication.

The failed attempts to let your feelings known to your partner and seeking empathy might have gone terribly wrong in your previous encounters and that is the reason you feel terrified at the thought of taking an initiative to talk.

You may dread being criticized, misunderstood and misinterpreted by your partner at the end of the fight and fear the prospect of not being loved anymore. As a result, you decide on keeping things bottled up, instead of opening them up to the person you love.

Explore possible approaches

You have come to the last and most important part of the discussion, where we would be guiding you with tricks to reframe the picture and convince yourself to try harder to let your feelings flow like a river.

#1 Go for an ideal backdrop 

Choosing the right time, place, and setting are imperative in bringing in a sense of harmony and stronger connection.

When you opt for a one-to-one conversation, you need to keep in mind that talking at the wrong time and in the wrong frame of mind would bring you down to the starting point. 

Therefore, try these ones:

• You must plan for an ideal place where you can talk with no distraction or interruption.
• You should arrange to meet him at a time when both of you are emotionally prepared and willing to invest in yourselves.
• You must try to make it sound sensitive so that your boyfriend gets to sense the heaviness of the matter.
• Pick a relaxing ambiance to allow both of you to talk and engage without stress and ease.

#2 Focus on ‘I’ statements

Putting blame on your partner would backfire if you can't get over the anger or grudges on him.

Accusations will eventually give way to further disagreements where your boyfriend can again be at war with you. 

The blame game will continue without an end, and both of you harbour resentment against each other.

To avoid hating each other, focus on statements starting with ‘I’ instead of making accusatory sentences. 

For example, say ‘I think I have niggles of my own to share with you’ in place of ‘you have to listen to my feelings’.

Or you can try beginning with ‘I think we should work on our differences and prioritize our relationship over a certain things’ and avoid saying, ‘You never make time for our relationship’.

#3 Do not zone out and make it brief

Half the communication depends on how raptly you listen to the other person and let them state their side of the story.

Without knowing what's pulling them back from you, you cannot determine the motive and come to a deduction. 

Therefore, 

• Be absolutely present with the words he wants you to hear. 
• Do not rush things or go on complaining with a heap of grievances. It's essential for you to have the time to show your vulnerability gradually.
• Don't drag on subjects that have been resolved in the past. It often makes your partner feel pointless to sort out things.
• Try to be concise and precise to your point so that he doesn't lose interest.
• Show empathy and create a space for him to feel at home talking to you.

Tips

Lastly, have a rapid glance over the tips at the trying times when you hunt for the helping hand: 

• Set a quiet ambiance and private space to invite your partner to have a talk..

• Wait for the most appropriate time to approach him, so that he can engage into the discourse wholeheartedly.

• Do not let your anger or annoyance get the better of your patience. Staying calm would help you hear and be heard.

• Be specific in mentioning what exactly is bothering you or which act of your boyfriend is upsetting you repeatedly.

• Encourage your partner to look for solutions together since it's your relationship that must be the top priority for both of you.

• Stay away from blaming him. Instead acknowledge the equal roles you both play and will have to play in the relationship.